The birth of my two preemies

If this is your first time here, please read McKenzie's and Avery's birth stories!

McKenzie's birth story

Avery's birth story

Friday, September 25, 2009

i just get so tired of it

tired of looking the same, feeling the same and being the same day after day?! i get so tired of being me sometimes that i have to change my hair so i feel less like myself and more like someone else.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

a breakdown of the bill from the ambulance

bold is what is is listed as on the bill, everything in the () is what it was for. this is from the bill i got for my ambulance ride after we totaled our truck

ALS1 Emergency (for them to respond) $1,671.52

ALS mileage (yep they charge for miles, $34.86/mile) $313.74

Disposable Linen
(the sheet on the gurney) $40.22

Personal Care supplies (wipe to clean my arm for IV) $11.81

Spinal Inmobilization (c collar for my neck) $58.67

defib electrodes (to check my heart) $85.76

pulse oximetry (the little red finger light to check your pulse) $67.05

IV drip supplies (the IV they put in my arm) $77.76

for a grand total of..... $2,326.53

Friday, September 18, 2009

the closer it gets, the more sad i get

to october that is. i should be so happy, with phillip and my birthdays plus our 2nd wedding anniversay in october. Plus on top of that we are supposed to have our yearly family pics done in october. The key word there being SUPPOSED. Now with everything else happening we cant afford to have them done and really my heart breaks with i think about my family pictures because this year there should be 2 beautiful baby girls in my family photos, but instead there wont be. This year sucks, i hate it and i just want to sleep through the rest of it. this is the time of year that i should be at my happiest, and yet i am more depressed about the impending birthdays/anniversarys/ and holidays than ever.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


this is the e-mail i got when i sent a request to MC to have my account re-activated so that i could check on some members there. oh well....


I have already re-instated your membership once and it seems you used it, along with the existing tensions between MC and MB, to brew more hard feelings between the two boards. While I wish you well, I don't think that MC is a good fit for you right now.

Take care.

Monday, September 14, 2009

my stuff is just that...MINE

i really just need to vent a little. I am so freaking tired of my stuff not being respected, and having to provide for other people when we are barely keeping our own freaking heads above water. I just had to go out and buy a $10 set of 3 bottles because all of chloe's keep disappearing. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! she had 10+ bottles, and now she was down to 4. Last week i threw away all her bottle nipples so that i could buy new ones, and i did, and out of the 8 i bought, she had 4 left!! in a matter of a fucking week.

i know exactly what is happening to them, our nieces and nephews (they live next door) dont want to wash bottles when the kitchen is their chore, so they throw the bottles away, then in turn sis-in-law comes over and takes chloes because she knows they are here. this is getting redicules. So i keep having to replace bottles that come up "missing" because chloe needs them, which basically means we are providing bottles for both babies.

i have already been annoyed lately due to the bottle issue just boiling and boiling up inside me. Well last week i noticed that my mascara lid was put on crooked, and i know i didnt do it. All of my make-up and hair stuff is in the bathroom where i keep it, the bathroom that EVERYONE uses. So i brought it up to mom-in-law that my mascara was messed with, and told her that i am irritated, i know one of the kids was in my make-up and that shit isnt cheap. THEN yesterday i went into the bathroom and noticed neon pink on the floor, upon closer inspection i realize that there is now neon pink hair dye on the bathroom floor. That is when i realized that my left over pink hair dye is also in the bathroom, it was burried under all the rest of my hair stuff, but it is no longer burried. So now one of the kids was playing in my hair dye. WTF, my stuff is just that, it is MINE. So now i get the pleasure of trying to clear a space in an already cramped and packed room so that i can put all of my bathroom shit in our room because people cant leave shit alone that doesnt belong to them!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

i have come to terms

i have come to terms with the fact that phillip and i are never going to have good luck, thats just not us. We both had bad luck previous to getting married, then that only became worse after we married. Oh well, we are alive, healthy (minus the bumps and bruises from the accident) and we have the most amazing child with personality to spare and we have eachother (and a much stronger marriage after all this). So i guess in that sense, i am the luckiest woman alive.

Friday, September 11, 2009

8days and counting and other ramblings

it has been 8days since we rolled the truck and though i like to tell people i am fine (because i dont want people to worry) i am still in a good ammount of pain. i have only been taking Tylenol for pain instead of what they prescribed for me (unless it gets excruciating) because what they gave me makes me extremely tired and i cant stay awake if i take that. i have VERY VERY limited movement of my neck right now, and i defiantly know when i move it too much because that is when the pain gets really bad. I also have a problem if i try and move my neck to turn my head (what little bit i can) too fast. at this point i am really unsure of what to do. it even hurts my neck at the base of my skull when i sneeze, and with it being allergy season for me i sneeze a lot, and it sucks.

it honestly doesnt seem like it has been 8days already, i have had nightmares about the accident almost every night, as stupid as that sounds to have nightmares about it.

lately i feel like i am screaming at the top of my lungs and yet not a damn person is hearing me. i feel like i have lost so many people i thought were friends over the course of the last 4months (almost).

Thursday, September 10, 2009

another cookie recipe

dang, these sound so good with seedless rasberry jelly/jam

* 8 ounces (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened at room temperature
* 2/3 cup sugar
* 1/4 vanilla bean, halved lengthwise, soft insides scraped out
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 2 cups plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
* 1/4 cup apricot, raspberry, or another jam of your choice


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter a baking sheet.

In a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment (or using a hand mixer), cream the butter and sugar together until fluffy. Add the vanilla scrapings and salt and mix until incorporated. Add the flour and mix at low speed until incorporated. Using your hands, roll the dough into golf-ball-sized balls and arrange them 2 inches apart on the cookie sheet, flattening them out a bit as you go. Using your thumb, press the top of each cookie to make a shallow well. Roll your thumb back and forth to widen the well. Using a small spoon, fill the wells with jam. Bake until very lightly browned around the edges, 25 to 30 minutes. Let cool on the pan. Store in an airtight container

Raspberry and Almond Shortbread Thumbprints

1 cup butter, softened
2/3 cup white sugar
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup seedless raspberry jam

1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
3/4 teaspoon almond extract
1 teaspoon milk

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2) In a medium bowl, cream together butter and white sugar until smooth. Mix in 1/2 teaspoon almond extract. Mix in flour until dough comes together. Roll dough into 1 1/2 inch balls, and place on ungreased cookie sheets. Make a small hole in the center of each ball, using your thumb and finger, and fill the hole with preserves.
3)Bake for 14 to 18 minutes in preheated oven, or until lightly browned. Let cool 1 minute on the cookie sheet.
4)In a medium bowl, mix together the confectioners' sugar, 3/4 teaspoon almond extract, and milk until smooth. Drizzle lightly over warm cookies.

damn that recipe sounds good, with seedless raspberry jelly. so who wants to try out that recipe by experimenting making me some cookies? LOL

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

creamy rice pudding

so lately i have been obsessed with eating rice pudding, i love it. so i thought i would share the recipe that we use

3/4 cup uncooked white rice
2 cups milk, divided
1/3 cup white sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 egg, beaten
2/3 cup golden raisins (OPTIONAL)
1 tablespoon butter
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1)In a medium saucepan, bring 1 1/2 cups water to a boil.
Add rice and stir. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 20 minutes.

2)In another saucepan, combine 1 1/2 cups cooked rice, 1 1/2 cups milk, sugar and salt. Cook over medium heat until thick and creamy, 15 to 20 minutes. Stir in remaining 1/2 cup milk, beaten egg and raisins. Cook 2 minutes more, stirring constantly. Remove from heat, and stir in butter and vanilla. Serve warm.

*****we dont use rasins since none of us like them, and we also add cinnimon to taste at the same time that we stir in the butter and vanilla*****

This recipe may also be made using Splenda® instead of sugar. Use 1/3 the amount. This is an easy way to enjoy this great creamy recipe but cut down on the sugar and calories.

Friday, September 4, 2009

we were in a bad car accident

and all i can say is thank god that we left chloe home!

we were leaving modesto, from our HAND meeting comming home and we were on the freeway. Dh and i were talking about the truck acting funny, and he said "well at least it will get us home" and in that instant something happened. we were in the fast lane (of a 4 lane freeway) and we veered off toward the center divide into gravel, and dh threw his arm across me and said "were going to be ok", he lost total control and we veered back into our traffic on the freeway and thats when the truck flipped, it flipped side over side at least 4 times until we came to a stop off of the freeway on on the far right side (we flipped across 4 lanes of traffic). our truck (our only vehicle) is totaled! the roof and windshield crushed in and class went everywhere. when we were in the fast lane there was a car riding in the lane next to us, just a little behind us, and when we flipped the first time i was facing traffic and all i saw were headlights, i dont know how that car missed us but no other cars were involved. A deisel blocked the 3lanes of traffic closest to our truck even though it was off the road just to make sure that nobody hit it. they took me to the ER to have x-rays and such to make sure i was ok. i have road rash on my elbow where the freeway rubbed my arm when we flipped (after my window shattered). and we have cuts and bruises all over. We are achy but fine and i will thank god everyday that i decided to leave chloe home!

drivers side, the window we crawled out of when the truck stopped UPSIDE DOWN!

picture from the front....

my side (passanger).....

our now totaled 95 ford ranger (RIP little blue).....

sorry they arnt that great of quality, i just went and took them and it is dark out

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

a day in my life

i dont even know how i would accurately describe a day in my life. depressing i guess would be the best word. Its funny, you never really think about it until it happens to you. People that know about McKenzie but dont quite know what to say when they see me. That blank look on their face when they see me and realize that i too have noticed them so now they cant turn and run away like the would have liked to. the awkward conversation of how are yous and fake smiles. They dont really want to bring up McKenzie but cant think of anything else to say, so usually they say something hurtful without even knowing. Like "it was gods plan" or the ever popular "well you can always have more, cant you?". Do people not think before they speak? I keep my head in the clouds but my feet planted on the ground. I think that when people see me and they feel like running away, maybe they should just have a normal conversation with me like you would have with anyone else on a normal day. Or how about a hug, because really i can always use one. And no i really dont want to hear about your unplanned pregnancy that your not happy about, or how at 30wks you are so uncomfortable that you just wish you could have the baby already. No i really dont want to talk about my body and how it failed my daughter so miserably. Yes i would like you to be a friend. Be there when i need someone to catch me when i fall, Be there when i just need to cry, because it happens, i burried my daughter and i will have bad days. Be there as a friend, you dont even have to say anything at all, sometimes thats what helps me the most.