The birth of my two preemies

If this is your first time here, please read McKenzie's and Avery's birth stories!

McKenzie's birth story

Avery's birth story

Saturday, May 21, 2011

i dont even know

This blog used to be my outlet, a place i loved, a place i went to sort myself out. Now i look back at it with such sadness. Re-reading my posts since i started this blog brings be back to that place with all those emotions i felt at the time i wrote it. I look back at my blog and see the sadness, anger and hurt in my writting. I want to get back into my blog, but the truth is, i still feel a lot of hurt, sadness and anger. I still feel a lot of the "why me" times like i did then.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Avery the roller, a PIP story

first, your mean mother puts you down

then you lean as far as you can over

next you get your body right so you can stick the landing

finally, you finish close enough to your big sister that she annoys you until you scream bloody murder and your mom picks you back up

Saturday, May 7, 2011

suggestions for mother's day for a grieving mom

 More people  need to read these and really take them to heart. Especially the ones in red

1. Recognize that they are a mother: Offer a hug and a "Happy Mother's Day". Send a card to let them know you remember they are a mother even though their child is not with them physically.
2. Acknowledge they have had a loss: Express the message, "I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you.”
3. Use their child's name in conversation: One mother responded, "People rarely speak his name anymore, but when they do it’s like music to my ears".
4. Plant a living memorial: A tree or rose bush, like memories, will grow in beauty as the years pass.
5. Visit the grave site: Many mothers felt that it was "extremely thoughtful" when others visited their child's grave site and left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.
6. Light a candle: Let the mother know you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother's Day.
7. Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the "greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and a favorite memory with them".
8. Send a gift of remembrance: Many mothers felt a small gift would be comforting. Suggestions included: an angel statue, jewelry, a picture frame, a library book or toy donation in the child’s name or anything personalized.
9. Don't try to minimize the loss: Avoid using any clich├ęs that attempt to explain the death of a child. ("God needed another angel.") Secondly, don't try to find anything positive about the loss ("You still have two healthy children").
10. Encourage Self-Care: Self-care is an important aspect of the "healing the mind and spirit effort" according to several mothers. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Give her a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

a poem

Yep, i cried reading this

My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
but from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,
she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright"
If that's the truth then tell me, why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is, she seems to cope so well,
she doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell.

Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping,"
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in heaven, I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold,
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom, with all the lies you told!"

Author Unknown

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

mother's day

Ugh, that time of year again. 2 years ago on mother's day we went with some friends to the san francisco zoo and spent the entire day there with them, their daughter and Chloe. Blissfully unaware that in just 5 short days my world would come crashing down around me, that in 5 short days i would hear the words that no mother wants to hear said about their child "She didn't make it". Mother's day always brings a lot of hurt, sadness and anxiety along with the happiness of my day celebrated with Chloe (and this year Avery too). Yes, i have 2 VERY amazing reasons here with me to celebrate, but I have a piece of my heart missing from the celebration.
I can already feel my anxiety level rising and I am already holding back the tears daily. When will the hurt/pain/frustration/sadness ever end? I just want to for one year have that blissful ignorance back where i don't feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.