i dont know what to do with myself

i find myself wandering around aimlessly about 95% of the time. i wander around with my head in a fog, to where the world is literally spinning. I find that i feel like i am spiraling down a black hole. Yesterday i was in a good mood, a genuinly good mood and i dont know why. It was the first time since the 15th that i have been able to say i was in a good mood. Physically i am healing ok, i find myself doing more and more each day. I still find it hard to pick Chloe up, maybe because i am not supposed to be pickig her up, but i love to give her lovins. emotionally i really dont know where i stand. I cry alot but i think thats normal, i am angry and sad a lot. i guess these days i just really dont know. What i do know is that friday is going to be a hard day for me, i guess it has to get worse befor it can get better.

In Mckenzie's Honor

We are asking that on Friday May 29th the day we lay mckenzie to rest, everyone wear a blue and pink ribbon in honor of Mckenzie, to show your support for infant/pregnancy loss awareness. We thank you for showing your concerns and support to our family during our time of need.

it has been 8days

8 long, miserable and very hard days since my heart was broken. 8 days since my world changed forever. I count the hours of the days as they pass, i sleep and think to myself that if it werent for phillip and chloe i would wish that i wouldnt wake up. 8 days and its not getting any easier. I dont see it getting any easier anytime soon. Everyday is just as hard to deal with as the last, and everyday i feel just as i did yesterday. Maybe someday the pieces of my heart and life will come back together, or maybe they wont. i guess only time will tell

i try

written on 5/19

i try to hold back all the tears i have. Trying to be strong for my family, but i see her name, i read her name, i think her name, and even if i say her name i cry. I cry because in the next week i know i am burrying my daughter. that isnt supposed to happen. parents arnt supposed to have to burry their children. SHe was so beautiful, its not fair. I told everyone that she was going to look just like me, and she did, but i dont get to keep her. I am angry, angry that i failed her. I as her mother am supposed to protect and take care of her and i didnt, i failed her. My body failed her. I cry because i know i physically cant have anymore kids. I am failing my husband, not just my daughter but i failed everyone

Mckenzie Lee Hunt

born still 5/15/09 6:58am
4lbs 9oz 18in long

she will forever be my angel baby

Oh the places you will go....

I cant believe that i am already almost 32weeks pregnant and that my little baby is no longer a baby but she is a big ol toddler. Chloe had her first birthday on the 29the 29th of april and her party on the 3rd of may. Her party deffinantly did not go as planned but who cares, she had a blast and so did i. I cant believe how much stuff she got, clothes, toys and books oh my. LOL. Since phillip has had some good days off this last week we even took her to the monterey bay aquarium. Chloe was totally fascinated by the fish there and didnt really want to leave. The poor kid has been through so much as far as illnesses and things lately it was nice to see her with a smile on her face, loving every second of the day (minus the LONG car ride)

This sunday (for mothers day) Phillip is taking chloe and i to San Francisco so that we can go to the zoo. Then from there we will be going to play on pier 39 and fishermans warf. I am so excited to be spending my mothers day there.

Baby hunt #2 is going to be here soon and i really cant wait. I think i am really over being pregnant, but luckily her movements have slowed a little, so she is no longer attacking my bladder all day long. i really dont know how exactly chloe is going to react to having a new baby here but i think she will be a good big sister. at least i hope she will be a good big sister.

now what you have been waiting for...PICS..... just from her party though, all the aquarium ones are on the other computer.






oh yes and lets not forget the cake with her name spelled wrong.......

26wk doctors appt

Well on tuesday i went for my 26week check up to make sure that baby and i are both doing fine. Appointment went great i am down another 3 lbs, for a total loss of 14lbs so far this pregnancy. My doctor isnt really concerned since i am fat already, but he did tell me this time to start eating more since i have lost more weight at every single appt. My blood pressure was great 117/68 (i believe), and i passed my 1 hour glucose test (no gestational diabetes for me!!!). And my anemia test came back normal, which means unlike with chloe my iron levels were good. No ultrasound at that appt but we did get to hear the sweet sweet sound of our baby girl's heart. Needless to say that phillip left that appointmen with a huge smile on his face!!! I cant believe that we are getting close enough that my appts are now 3wks apart instead of 4. SCARY