I feel like she is slipping away

I feel like McKenzie is slipping away from me. Slipping farther and farther away what little I have of her. I feel like I never write about her even though I think of her daily. Wish I could just take away the hurt, sadness and the "why us" that I still feel and cry about in Secret every night.

(posted from my iPod)

it seems like a lifetime ago

It seems like a lifetime ago that I laid in the room in my hospital bed crying as they were prepping me for my c-section, shaking as i texted "Prepping for c-section" to a few important people. Crying, shaking and scared of the unknown future of my daughter i laid there praying to McKenzie to please watch over her and keep her safe. Make sure that she got here safe because mommy and daddy needed her.
Crying as I laid in my recovery bed post c-section, begging for my husband (and they told me they couldn't find him) because I knew Avery was born alive but didn't know what kind of shape she was in. Crying as I told my husband I was sorry that my body had once again failed our family. Crying as we got the news that she was alive and doing well, just tiny.
It seems like such a lifetime ago that i stood there over my tiny little girl touching her hand, tears streaming down my face telling her how much i love and need her, wanting her to always know.
I never want to go back to that place and I am so thankful for everyday we have with her.

i want to be normal

I want to be that normal "care free" person again. That person that doesn't know what it is like to lose a child. The person that is blissfully unaware of just how bad things can be. I want to be that person that doesn't have to shelter or be afraid of what germs things have because any little germ can make my child VERY sick. I just for one second would like to jump back in time to remember what it was like to be completely blissfully happy with no heartache.

my shoes

A friend of mine posted this so I thought i would share it, I have quite a few friends that will understand :(

My Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so
much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.