The birth of my two preemies

If this is your first time here, please read McKenzie's and Avery's birth stories!

McKenzie's birth story

Avery's birth story

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

dear 2009

dear 2009.....

As much as you have sucked big time, i really am sad to see you go. You helped me realize that i have the most amazing friends (BOTB and MB) and family that anyone could ever ask for. 2009, you took away a part of me that i can never get back, and in return gave me the ability to be stronger and a better person. you taught me what true hurt, true love and true compassion really are and for that i thank you. As much sorrow, hurt and anger you brought, you brought that much love, smiles and tears of happiness too. So dear 2009 i am sad to see you go, but here is to an even more amazing 2010 full of more love, laughter, tears, hurt, pain and learning! Without the bad we could never appreciate the good!


Monday, December 28, 2009

fuck the year 2009

i will never again utter those famous last words "it cant get any worse" because as i have come to find out this year, it can!

there is a possibility that Phillip could be getting fired today. one of his co-workers Chris was working lower bay with him and did the rear differential on a truck, well Phillip had to take over working on the truck and it left and everything.
After it left they realized that Chris had forgotten to put the plug back in on the rear differential. so the manager (who is Phillip's sister's husband) went to the guys house to see if the truck was there to put the plug back in. if the truck wasn't there and it blows the rear diff (or whatever) its like a $7,000 fix and the 3 guys responsible for it (Phillip and the 2 Chris') will most likely (read: will) be fired. Can this year possibly be anymore fucked up?

Monday, December 14, 2009

there was a moment in time

there was a moment in time when i didn't think i was going to make it from one minute to the next, from one day to the next. Here i am 7months later (tomorrow) and i can honestly say that i know i am going to make it. I still have bad days, the 15th of the month is always harder for me, her birthday is going to be awful, and i don't know if i will ever look at the 4th of July the same again (her due date). I am here and i am making it. I find that my days are filled with more smiles than tears. Through all of this i have made amazing friends, friends that will be apart of my life forever.

Friday, December 11, 2009

a difficult week

this week has been difficult. i sat helpless praying for all i am worth as i heard the news that another friend had lost her little girl. My heart sank and my eyes welled up with tears as i read that little Jillian Hannah had passed away. 5 times this year my heart has been broken, but not just for me, but for the other families that are suffering in the same way that i am, suffering because we have all lost a child. On top of all the tears i have cried for Megan and her little Jillian i have cried tears for myself. Tears because nobody wants to know what it is like to lose a child, and yet so many of us feel the pain.
In 4days it will be McKenzie's 7month angelversary. We are now on the downhill slope to her 1st birthday.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

i dont think i say enough just how great my sister is

we have our ups and downs, but so does everyone. My sister and i are total opposites, like night and day. When push comes to shove though, we stick together like glue, its us against the world. This year has been a tough one for my family, with lots of sad and rough times, but my sister as stood by me through it all. In may when McKenzie was born my sister was out of state at her brother-in-law's college graduation. She called me to talk to me and ask if there was anything i needed, in reality that phone call was all i needed from her. Little did i know that as soon as my sister got the call about McKenzie's birth/death she was on the phone with some of her friends getting flower shop information. I received a dozen roses from my sister with a sweet card in it, it was really a little sunshine on a cloudy day. Back in september when we totaled our truck i was in so much pain i couldnt stand straight, i called my mom bawling telling her we had been in an accident. My mom couldnt understand me and immidiatly called my sister. Shortly after the ambulance got me to the ER my sister and mom got there. My sister basically dropped everything (leaving her boys home with her husband) to rush to the hospital and make sure that phillip and i were OK. Even after the x-rays came back ok, she didnt leave, she stayed in the ER with me until i was released. I know i dont give her enough credit most of the time and we have totally different views on everything but she really is always there for me. So Amber, i love you and thanks for always being there for me, through thick and thin i really couldnt have asked for a better sister!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

the one thing that still gets me everytime

is when pregnant women talk about how they have reached "v-day" or viability stage in a pregnancy. When a fetus/baby has a fighting chance of making it outside of the womb. It gets me everytime because McKenzie was born at 32weeks 6days, well past "v-day" and theoretically should have lived. She was a premie for sure but should have been able to live outside of the womb. She never even had a fighting chance, she never even got to take her first breath. I never got to hear her cry.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

am i really healing or just forgetting

lately i find that the days that i spend crying are few and far between, usually set off by a specific and significant date or something like that. So am i actually healing or am i just forgetting. Im so glad that i dont spend every waking minute crying from the pain, the pain that only another mother that has suffered like this can understand. But i dont want to forget either, i dont want to forget her beautiful sweet face with her little butt chin. I dont want to forget the way she used to kick me all night and sleep all day! I dont ever want those memories to disappear. Her long skinny feet, just the opposite of her big sisters chubby feet. Her tiny hands and long ET fingers that i wrapped around my finger as i rubbed her little hands. Her beautiful black hair with a read tint/glow. for the first time ever phillip and i talked about McKenzie and her birth and death and it didnt reduce me to tears, and i feel so guilty for it.
The pain of the fact that chloe will probably never have a living sibling is more a reality now than it ever has been before.

Friday, November 27, 2009

almost 19month stats and more

We had to take chloe to the doctor for her shots on wednesday, she ended up getting 4 shots, including the H1N1.
The doctor is very impressed with her verbal/speech skills, she talks up a storm and even had the nurses laughing. She did amazing and only cried for a minute, literally as soon as we walked out of the little room we were in she was done. The nurses really really like her and tend to spoil her in the sticker department. Along with all the stickers for being so good they gave her a book called "hugs and kisses".

chloe's stats:
last time....
weight: 27lbs
height: 30in (according to the nurse on wed)

wednesday 11/25/09...
weight: 26lbs 9oz (a 7oz weight loss)
height: 34in tall! (a 4in growth spurt)

they are not at all concerned with her weight loss. They told me its due to a combination of her becomming more active and the fact that she had such a large growth spurt. She is about as tall as a 2yr old, which is really impressive since she was off to such a slow start. They think she is going to be tall like her daddy, so i guess we will see.
All of chloe's height is in her torso, just like her dad. She is already starting to outgrow 18month size shirts for no other reason that her tummy hangs out because they are not long enough. I can see already that she is going to have short legs and a long body, so she will outgrow the length of shirts long before she outgrows the lengeth in pants.

Chloe is really really verbal with her wants and needs, and she lets you know exactly how it is. She is amazing and fun with a sense of humor already. She has started to sing the barney song to me and will walk up and sing "i love you, you love me, were a happy family" but thats as far as she gets. She LOVES LOVES LOVES to dance.

i fall more in love with my girl every day, i love being her mommy.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

have you ever thought... "why me?"

a lot of the year 2009 for me has been thinking "why me?". why do we have the kind of luck we do? In reality i shouldnt be asking why me. Some, ok, most people think i have terrible luck after hearing about my year, but really there is always a bright side right? I have a beautiful amazing and smart daughter that keeps me going everyday. I have a teeny tiny little angel that i know kept me safe on the freeway the day of our accident, afterall her sister still needs me.

Today i realized that i have a lot to be thankful for this year. so here is my list of thankfuls.

i am thankful for....

*my daughter, she can always find a way to make me smile
*my husband, who has been there to hug me on my darkest days
*my family, they may not all be sane but they are mine!
*my internet friends, they have listened to me cry, bitch and piss and moan. Yet they always manage to give me a ((HUG)) and tell me that ill be ok.
*McKenzie Lee, she has given me the strength that i never knew i had

Monday, November 23, 2009

who wants to make a guess?

chloe goes to the doctor on wednesday for her chicken pox vaccine and her flu shot, so who wants to guess her height/weight?! in sept/october she was 27lbs 29 or 30in (depends on who you ask). So now everyone that reads this needs to leave a comment with their guess!

Friday, November 20, 2009

bah life got busy

i cant believe i have let my blog go for so long. Life has gotten so busy having a toddler around. We converted chloe's bed back into a crib last night and i honestly dont remember the last time she slept that great. She now has 16 teeth and knows exactly what they are for. She loves to "brush" her own teeth. We go into the pedi on wednesday for chloe's chicken pox vaccine and her flu shot, lovely thing to do right before thanksgiving. I am actually really anxious to see how much she weighs and how tall she is.

I have realized through everything that has happened this year just what amazing and true friends i really have, and actually have a few things i want to say to them/about them and where better place to do it than here...

susan is one of the kindest and most amazing people i have never met! she is beautiful inside and out and i know our daughters are keeping eachother company!

Trish, LOL my sticker pen pal, always knows when i need and encouraging word and is always there to offer it! amazing and artistic and a great person all around.

my sister Amber, we fight like cats and dogs and have different views on everything. But she is great none the less and always there when i need a shoulder. When times get tough we stick together and she never hesitates to drop everthing to be at my side when i need her. i will always be thankful that i got a great big sister, and chloe just loves her auntie.

moving on.... some more recent pictures....

chloe and jaylynn, cousins 3months apart...

the caged beast...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

a very personal blog

i was going to delete my blog but after a lot of thinking have decided to keep it. This is where i write everything that i was thinking raising chloe, being pregnant again and after McKenzie's death. I want to someday be able to look back at all the things i thought and wrote down and see how far i have come.

This has been a very hard year for us to say the least, but i want to come out of it better than i was before and i know i will. Phillip and i are working in our problems and i guess only time will tell what the future holds right?! I know that i went into this marriage "until death do us part" and i still think that way. I dont know where we stand right now and it all makes my head spin thinking about it. I hope to someday get back to where we used to be, but that is going to take a long time and a lot of effort. Trust is something that has to be earned and once its lost it takes a long time to get back.

Friday, October 16, 2009

im done blogging

and as soon as i can figure out how to delete it, it will be gone. thanks to everyone that read it!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. please remember and honor our babies with us by lighting your candle at 7pm, on October 15th for the "wave of light". Light your candle at 7pm (all time zones) and keep lit for AT LEA...ST 1hr, this will create a continuous wave of light across the entire world in honor of our lost babies! please re-post to your friends/family to help spread awareness.

here is a link where more info can be found...

Friday, September 25, 2009

i just get so tired of it

tired of looking the same, feeling the same and being the same day after day?! i get so tired of being me sometimes that i have to change my hair so i feel less like myself and more like someone else.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

a breakdown of the bill from the ambulance

bold is what is is listed as on the bill, everything in the () is what it was for. this is from the bill i got for my ambulance ride after we totaled our truck

ALS1 Emergency (for them to respond) $1,671.52

ALS mileage (yep they charge for miles, $34.86/mile) $313.74

Disposable Linen
(the sheet on the gurney) $40.22

Personal Care supplies (wipe to clean my arm for IV) $11.81

Spinal Inmobilization (c collar for my neck) $58.67

defib electrodes (to check my heart) $85.76

pulse oximetry (the little red finger light to check your pulse) $67.05

IV drip supplies (the IV they put in my arm) $77.76

for a grand total of..... $2,326.53

Friday, September 18, 2009

the closer it gets, the more sad i get

to october that is. i should be so happy, with phillip and my birthdays plus our 2nd wedding anniversay in october. Plus on top of that we are supposed to have our yearly family pics done in october. The key word there being SUPPOSED. Now with everything else happening we cant afford to have them done and really my heart breaks with i think about my family pictures because this year there should be 2 beautiful baby girls in my family photos, but instead there wont be. This year sucks, i hate it and i just want to sleep through the rest of it. this is the time of year that i should be at my happiest, and yet i am more depressed about the impending birthdays/anniversarys/ and holidays than ever.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


this is the e-mail i got when i sent a request to MC to have my account re-activated so that i could check on some members there. oh well....


I have already re-instated your membership once and it seems you used it, along with the existing tensions between MC and MB, to brew more hard feelings between the two boards. While I wish you well, I don't think that MC is a good fit for you right now.

Take care.

Monday, September 14, 2009

my stuff is just that...MINE

i really just need to vent a little. I am so freaking tired of my stuff not being respected, and having to provide for other people when we are barely keeping our own freaking heads above water. I just had to go out and buy a $10 set of 3 bottles because all of chloe's keep disappearing. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! she had 10+ bottles, and now she was down to 4. Last week i threw away all her bottle nipples so that i could buy new ones, and i did, and out of the 8 i bought, she had 4 left!! in a matter of a fucking week.

i know exactly what is happening to them, our nieces and nephews (they live next door) dont want to wash bottles when the kitchen is their chore, so they throw the bottles away, then in turn sis-in-law comes over and takes chloes because she knows they are here. this is getting redicules. So i keep having to replace bottles that come up "missing" because chloe needs them, which basically means we are providing bottles for both babies.

i have already been annoyed lately due to the bottle issue just boiling and boiling up inside me. Well last week i noticed that my mascara lid was put on crooked, and i know i didnt do it. All of my make-up and hair stuff is in the bathroom where i keep it, the bathroom that EVERYONE uses. So i brought it up to mom-in-law that my mascara was messed with, and told her that i am irritated, i know one of the kids was in my make-up and that shit isnt cheap. THEN yesterday i went into the bathroom and noticed neon pink on the floor, upon closer inspection i realize that there is now neon pink hair dye on the bathroom floor. That is when i realized that my left over pink hair dye is also in the bathroom, it was burried under all the rest of my hair stuff, but it is no longer burried. So now one of the kids was playing in my hair dye. WTF, my stuff is just that, it is MINE. So now i get the pleasure of trying to clear a space in an already cramped and packed room so that i can put all of my bathroom shit in our room because people cant leave shit alone that doesnt belong to them!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

i have come to terms

i have come to terms with the fact that phillip and i are never going to have good luck, thats just not us. We both had bad luck previous to getting married, then that only became worse after we married. Oh well, we are alive, healthy (minus the bumps and bruises from the accident) and we have the most amazing child with personality to spare and we have eachother (and a much stronger marriage after all this). So i guess in that sense, i am the luckiest woman alive.

Friday, September 11, 2009

8days and counting and other ramblings

it has been 8days since we rolled the truck and though i like to tell people i am fine (because i dont want people to worry) i am still in a good ammount of pain. i have only been taking Tylenol for pain instead of what they prescribed for me (unless it gets excruciating) because what they gave me makes me extremely tired and i cant stay awake if i take that. i have VERY VERY limited movement of my neck right now, and i defiantly know when i move it too much because that is when the pain gets really bad. I also have a problem if i try and move my neck to turn my head (what little bit i can) too fast. at this point i am really unsure of what to do. it even hurts my neck at the base of my skull when i sneeze, and with it being allergy season for me i sneeze a lot, and it sucks.

it honestly doesnt seem like it has been 8days already, i have had nightmares about the accident almost every night, as stupid as that sounds to have nightmares about it.

lately i feel like i am screaming at the top of my lungs and yet not a damn person is hearing me. i feel like i have lost so many people i thought were friends over the course of the last 4months (almost).

Thursday, September 10, 2009

another cookie recipe

dang, these sound so good with seedless rasberry jelly/jam

* 8 ounces (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened at room temperature
* 2/3 cup sugar
* 1/4 vanilla bean, halved lengthwise, soft insides scraped out
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 2 cups plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
* 1/4 cup apricot, raspberry, or another jam of your choice


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter a baking sheet.

In a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment (or using a hand mixer), cream the butter and sugar together until fluffy. Add the vanilla scrapings and salt and mix until incorporated. Add the flour and mix at low speed until incorporated. Using your hands, roll the dough into golf-ball-sized balls and arrange them 2 inches apart on the cookie sheet, flattening them out a bit as you go. Using your thumb, press the top of each cookie to make a shallow well. Roll your thumb back and forth to widen the well. Using a small spoon, fill the wells with jam. Bake until very lightly browned around the edges, 25 to 30 minutes. Let cool on the pan. Store in an airtight container

Raspberry and Almond Shortbread Thumbprints

1 cup butter, softened
2/3 cup white sugar
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup seedless raspberry jam

1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
3/4 teaspoon almond extract
1 teaspoon milk

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2) In a medium bowl, cream together butter and white sugar until smooth. Mix in 1/2 teaspoon almond extract. Mix in flour until dough comes together. Roll dough into 1 1/2 inch balls, and place on ungreased cookie sheets. Make a small hole in the center of each ball, using your thumb and finger, and fill the hole with preserves.
3)Bake for 14 to 18 minutes in preheated oven, or until lightly browned. Let cool 1 minute on the cookie sheet.
4)In a medium bowl, mix together the confectioners' sugar, 3/4 teaspoon almond extract, and milk until smooth. Drizzle lightly over warm cookies.

damn that recipe sounds good, with seedless raspberry jelly. so who wants to try out that recipe by experimenting making me some cookies? LOL

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

creamy rice pudding

so lately i have been obsessed with eating rice pudding, i love it. so i thought i would share the recipe that we use

3/4 cup uncooked white rice
2 cups milk, divided
1/3 cup white sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 egg, beaten
2/3 cup golden raisins (OPTIONAL)
1 tablespoon butter
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1)In a medium saucepan, bring 1 1/2 cups water to a boil.
Add rice and stir. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 20 minutes.

2)In another saucepan, combine 1 1/2 cups cooked rice, 1 1/2 cups milk, sugar and salt. Cook over medium heat until thick and creamy, 15 to 20 minutes. Stir in remaining 1/2 cup milk, beaten egg and raisins. Cook 2 minutes more, stirring constantly. Remove from heat, and stir in butter and vanilla. Serve warm.

*****we dont use rasins since none of us like them, and we also add cinnimon to taste at the same time that we stir in the butter and vanilla*****

This recipe may also be made using Splenda® instead of sugar. Use 1/3 the amount. This is an easy way to enjoy this great creamy recipe but cut down on the sugar and calories.

Friday, September 4, 2009

we were in a bad car accident

and all i can say is thank god that we left chloe home!

we were leaving modesto, from our HAND meeting comming home and we were on the freeway. Dh and i were talking about the truck acting funny, and he said "well at least it will get us home" and in that instant something happened. we were in the fast lane (of a 4 lane freeway) and we veered off toward the center divide into gravel, and dh threw his arm across me and said "were going to be ok", he lost total control and we veered back into our traffic on the freeway and thats when the truck flipped, it flipped side over side at least 4 times until we came to a stop off of the freeway on on the far right side (we flipped across 4 lanes of traffic). our truck (our only vehicle) is totaled! the roof and windshield crushed in and class went everywhere. when we were in the fast lane there was a car riding in the lane next to us, just a little behind us, and when we flipped the first time i was facing traffic and all i saw were headlights, i dont know how that car missed us but no other cars were involved. A deisel blocked the 3lanes of traffic closest to our truck even though it was off the road just to make sure that nobody hit it. they took me to the ER to have x-rays and such to make sure i was ok. i have road rash on my elbow where the freeway rubbed my arm when we flipped (after my window shattered). and we have cuts and bruises all over. We are achy but fine and i will thank god everyday that i decided to leave chloe home!

drivers side, the window we crawled out of when the truck stopped UPSIDE DOWN!

picture from the front....

my side (passanger).....

our now totaled 95 ford ranger (RIP little blue).....

sorry they arnt that great of quality, i just went and took them and it is dark out

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

a day in my life

i dont even know how i would accurately describe a day in my life. depressing i guess would be the best word. Its funny, you never really think about it until it happens to you. People that know about McKenzie but dont quite know what to say when they see me. That blank look on their face when they see me and realize that i too have noticed them so now they cant turn and run away like the would have liked to. the awkward conversation of how are yous and fake smiles. They dont really want to bring up McKenzie but cant think of anything else to say, so usually they say something hurtful without even knowing. Like "it was gods plan" or the ever popular "well you can always have more, cant you?". Do people not think before they speak? I keep my head in the clouds but my feet planted on the ground. I think that when people see me and they feel like running away, maybe they should just have a normal conversation with me like you would have with anyone else on a normal day. Or how about a hug, because really i can always use one. And no i really dont want to hear about your unplanned pregnancy that your not happy about, or how at 30wks you are so uncomfortable that you just wish you could have the baby already. No i really dont want to talk about my body and how it failed my daughter so miserably. Yes i would like you to be a friend. Be there when i need someone to catch me when i fall, Be there when i just need to cry, because it happens, i burried my daughter and i will have bad days. Be there as a friend, you dont even have to say anything at all, sometimes thats what helps me the most.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


i cant believe where the time went. My little baby is now a little girl, a little 16month old girl that is. She is all personality, she is opinionated and will let you know exactly what she thinks. She is a total daddies girl, she loves her daddy more than anything in the entire world. She is a goofball and has the most contagious laugh, everytime she laughs so does everyone around her. She is loving, she loves to give us kisses and big hugs and when she is tired she will lay her head on my shoulder and pat my back. My baby is a big girl and turned that way right before my very eyes. Chloe is now 26lbs 30in tall. She is wearing a size 12-18months (but can still wear a 6month size romper). And size 4diapers.

and now some more recent pictures.....

getting ready to leave the house.....

walking to the truck (i love this pic)....

the cutest DR.PEPPER ad ever (or at least it should be.....

picnic at the park (yummy peanut butter and jelly sandwich)....

playing at the park...

sitting at the big slide with daddy....

climbing up to the big slide by herself....

she didnt like going down the little slide alone....

but everything is better with daddy....

but most of all she LOVES the swing......

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

sick chloe= weepy whiney chloe

and it also makes for one very very tired mommy. Right now chloe is sick, coughing with a runny nose and is running a little warm too. Of course when she is sick all she ever wants all day long is mommy. She wants me to hold her almost all the time and when she wants to nap, it is almost certainly going to be on mommies chest. I love to feel needed but sometimes it gets overwhelming being the only person that she wants all the time. Just a little 5min breather would be nice.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

let the wedding planning begin

BRIDESMAID~ Kathy (grooms sister)


the wedding dress i want badly but will never be able to afford...¤tIdx=8&subCategory=-49999486%7c-49998998%7c-49995489&catentryId=6096814&sort=

and the maid of honor dress (in sangria color)-

bridesmaids dresses~(in sangria color)

father/daughter dance~ i loved her first -heartland (phillip/chloe and laura/larry (grandpa))

first dance~ amazed-lonestar

i am going to add to my wedding planning list and ideas as we go, but any suggestions on songs and dances are much welcomed.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I cant believe it has been 3months

3 whole months since McKenzie's birth. the days are getting easier and easier, but i miss her just as much as i did then. i long for her kicks and her tumbles but i know in my heart of hearts that Memaw is taking good care of her up there in heaven. in the mail today came a shirt that a friend custom made for me with the blue and pink ribbon (pregnancy/infant loss awareness) and under it said McKenzie Lee Hunt her store is so check it out, she does amazing work.

today we went and released 2 pink balloon for kenzie at the cemetary, i hope it reaches her. WE LOVE YOU LITTLE ONE!!!!!

anyway here are some pics from our day


Monday, August 10, 2009

today i cried

today was what i will consider a "bad day", although i dont really think it was bad, but in terms of crying and McKenzie, it was a bad day. Phillip told me today that he likes to drive up union to work every morning just so that he can blow McKenzie a kiss and tell her he loves her. I cried today, i cried looking at McKenzie's picture hanging on our wall. I cried because she would be almost 3months old, and i remember the things chloe was doing at 3months and how much i am missing out on. I know i am missing out on a lot of things and really it makes my heart ache. Today i cried and really it felt ok to cry.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

one of the hardest things

about coping was talking to phillip about being so tired of the question "are you ok?" because if i answer "yes" it would be a lie but if i answer "no" people are going to assume i am having issues. The reason that question bothers me so much is because i know that i am never going to be "ok", i am never again going to be what i once considered to be "normal" and i will never again be the person that i used to be. I will forever more be the mother of an angel and that in and of itself changes a person. I will learn to cope and deal and live my life "dealing with it" but i will never be "ok". How could i be ok after all we have been through? Anyway.... one of the hardest things was listening to phillip tell me that he hates that everyone just assumes that he is "ok" and so nobody but me ever bothers to ask him how he is doing and if he is ok (the question doesnt bother him like it does me). I never really realized until that moment that he was right, everyone i guess assumes that this was all harder on me because i was the pregnant one, or maybe they just think he needs to be ok because he is a man or because he doesnt really show it. It was hard to listen to him actually "break down", not because i dont care or i didnt want to hear it but because my rock and the person that keeps me sane is having just as hard of a time as i am.

an uncertain future

i hate the fact that my life and future are in that little gray area of something that should be black & white. Through all of this i have learned many things, one of which is there really is no such thing as just black and white, there will always be that little gray area. My life right now is completely in that gray area with a very uncertain future. I have no idea what my lie ahead. I hate that it is unclear weather or not we can even have future children, i feel like if i was told with all certainty that i could not have more kids, i could greive, deal with it and move on. But once again i am in that gray area, where i am told that i can PROBABLY have more kids after waiting AT LEAST a year, but really nobody is sure or can guarntee that. There is no guarntee that i could even get pregnant in the first place or even sustain a pregnancy once i do get pregnant. I have been keeping track of my cycle lengths just to get to know my body again, so that i know what the hell it is doing. I used to (before chloe and kenzie) have perfect 28day cycles, my first one PP after kenzie was somewhere around 30days, and this last one was 26days. My body is still trying to get its shit together and be normal.

My future with my family is uncertain for sure, i have phillip, chloe, my mom and my sister and that is about it. The rest of my family is non-existant, the only time i hear from them is every december for my dad's familys ornament exchange or for birthday parties that i have been invited to, never do i get an email or even just a facebook message. Although i guess it is a 2way street that i am not driving on either.

Somedays i wish life was easier and that bad things didnt happen, but i guess if life was easy and bad things didnt happen we wouldnt be who we are.

i guess it is true what they say... there are only 2 guarnteed things in life...death and taxes!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

it wont be fair

Phillip and I have been talking about the future (not the real near future). We obviously are waiting AT LEAST a year before we even consider trying to have more kids. For more that one reason, but the most obvious is the fact that it would probably kill me to try any sooner. Well we were talking about possible future kids and it dawned on my that if/when we do have more kids it is not going to be fair. With both Chloe and McKenzie's pregnancies it was a celebration the entire time, then with what happened to me and McKenzie at almost 33wks. We realized that most people worry about the first 12wks, but then there are people like me that will have to worry until the day i have any future babies. If/when we do get pregnant again i fear that everyone will be on pins and needles the entire time. That sucks, because if/when we do get pregnant again we will not be telling anyone until after 12wks (just like we did with kenzie) and after that i want people to celebrate and be joyful at the prospect of new life. We cant live in fear of the possibilities or we will never truely live. Hmmm. just something i have been thinking about.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

i dont ever want to feel that way again

last night chloe slept in our bed, she has been doing it a few nights for the last couple weeks due to her teething. Last night as she layed sound asleep on my chest it was the most amazing feeling ever, i truely felt needed. As the fan was blowing on us i kept trying to cover her up so that she wouldnt get too cold, but she just kept uncovering herself. She loves the fan just like her daddy. I felt her arm and it was ICE cold, i kept trying to warm her up by rubbing her arm as a bawled. Then it dawned on my why i was bawling, she felt just as cold as McKenzie did the last time i held her. A little tiny ice cube, only this time i wasnt just going to let her be ice cold like i did with Kenzie. I wanted chloe to be warm and comfortable. I dont ever want to feel the way i did the last time i held mckenzie, i want to remember her being warm and cuddled up just like the first time i held her. I pray to god that i never feel that way again, and that NO mother ever has to feel what it is like.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


i am....i am a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. I am strong and i am weak, i am grieving and i a wreck. I am Loved and i am protected, i am sincere and i am loyal. But most of all i always have been and always will be ME! I am Laura, a grieving mother, mourning the loss of her baby with no answers!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

the pictures we didnt buy

and now here are her pictures that we didnt buy...