wordless wednesday

i am in such a rut

i a in such a rut, but not just any rut, i am in a blogging rut. i just really have no idea what to write about. I am pretty much an open book.

dear friends and family

it has come to be that time again that i ask for your financial help. What i mean by your financial help is that i am once again asking for donations to my march of dimes march for babies walk. This year has been nothing short of rough, and yet more amazing than i ever imagined it would be. We (phillip and i) have decided to participate in the march for babies walk this year in honor of our little preemie angel McKenzie Lee, whom you all know was born premature at just 32weeks 6days. Over the course of the last year i have made some of the most amazing and supportive friends, many of which have been affected by babies born too early. The march of dimes is an amazing organization that has a dream of some day all babies being born healthy. I am asking you to support me, by donating or even walking with me.

I am doing the stockton walk in honor of miss McKenzie Lee on May 15th 2009 (on her birthday), here is the link to donate....
http://www.marchforbabies.org/mrsshrek1028

and i am doing the modesto walk on April 24th 2009, with my HAND girls, in honor of all our babies, here is the link to donate....
http://www.marchforbabies.org/lauraluvzyou04

and once again i would like to thank all the people who have already donated!

always,
Laura

*never before seen* pictures of McKenzie Lee

i have been debating on if i should share these or be selfish and keep them to myself. I finally decided that i wanted to share them here because this is my place, and she is my beautiful daughter. These pictures have been safe and sound in "McKenzie's box", in my memory box of her stuff that the hospital gave me. Also included in this box are....

her foot prints

the comb they used on her hair

the measuring tape they used

the flower that they took her pictures with

her name thing for her bassinett at the hospital

a bracelet that the auxilary members made with her name on it

all of her and my hospital bracelets

the card that came with the flowers from all the MB ladies (i added that)

the thing from her funeral (i added that)

the proof of pictures from them taking her hospital pictures

they also gave me a memory book with her hand and foot prints in it, a lock of hair with a ribbon on it, all of her stats written inside of it.

this is my special box, my box of memories and i treasure every little thing in that box. Anyway here are the pictures.

her long feet and really long toes!

literally the VERY VERY first time i held her!

some new news

tonight (since i haven't slept yet) i filled out my application and submitted it to take classes and Modesto junior college in the Fall of 2010!!! I am really unsure what i would like to take classes for right now, but i know i want to take classes. I am so excited for this and for change and growth.

i just wish my body would be normal

TMI BLOG......if you dont want to know this much about my body, turn back now!

Every since i had McKenzie my body has been completely out of whack. My period has been unpredictable, one cycle will be 28days (my normal) and one cycle was 36days. This cycle was 32days, now granted we are not ttc and we aren't using the NFP method to tta so all this is really a moot point, except that it would really be nice to know WTF my body is doing. I want to go back to the days when my body was just average and was having very average and predictable cycles. When my period wasnt so draining and painful that i just want to sleep all 7days through it. I want to go back to when it was always the same length, not one month its 3 days and the next its 8days, or 3days then spot for 2days and then back to bleeding for another day or two. Sigh

Dear McKenzie

Dear McKenzie Lee

my beautiful little namesake, today you turn 10months old. I cant believe i saw your sweet face 10months ago. You came into our lives and changed them forever in the most amazing way. You helped me realize just how much i love and need your dad. You brought the most amazing friends into my life to help me through the days. My beautiful little girl i know you are looking down on us smiling so proud of your mom and dad. Your sister loves you, and kisses your picture goodnight everyday.

i love you always my little angel

Mommy

my moving out list of things i need

So we will *hopefully* (provided we get the place when we apply) will be moving out soon, we are hoping for May 1st, 2010. I just need to make this list of things that we really need when we move out.

* queen mattress (we have everything except the mattress)
* kitchen trash can
* bathroom trash can
* microwave
* broom/mop
* dishes
* household cleaning supplies
* baby proofing supplies
* hangers (we need them and have NONE)

i will be adding to the list as i think of the things we need.

home again, home again

As of yesterday evening we (chloe, phillip and i) are back home. Chloe and i went and spent from sunday-wednesday (yesterday) at my mom's apartment. Phillip stayed there with us the last 2 nights. It was a lot of fun, chloe got to spend a lot of time with my sister and her 2 boys, while i got my much needed break from my father-in-law from hell. While i was out of town phillip's grandpa (Bob) fell a couple of times and is currently in the hospital. Chloe ended up getting the chicken pox while we were gone, she got them pretty bad actually. She itches like crazy and is really pretty miserable in general.

i am so sad, jealous and angry

the girl that was pregnant the same time as me (remember she named her daughter Renesme) has 3 kids (6,3, and 9ish months). She just announced that she is pregnant and due in september. I am so sad and jealous. I am sad for me, and just so jealous because she has 3 healthy kids and is having another one. i know its not right for me to be jealous and i will get over it, it just stings a little right now because she just announced.

i am so angry at myself for my body failing. Angry that i have to go to the cemetary to visit my daughter. I am just so far beyond sad for myself and because i cant give phillip the family that i know he really wants. i suck.

i never knew how much my heart could love

i really never knew exactly how much love my heart could have until i became a mom. That was nearly 2 years ago now that happened, and i can honestly say looking back on it that it has been the best 2 years of my life. I was recently tagged in a picture on facebook of Chloe and i when she was about 5 months old, she was so tiny and BALD and just the most amazing most wonderful mystery that i have ever received. These past two years have been a total whirlwind and have gone faster than the speed of light. I always heard people giving new moms the advice "enjoy every second because it goes so fast" and i really never gave it a second thought, until i became a mom. Time seems to warp into double or triple time once you have kids. I remember the day Chloe was born holding this chubby little red headed baby and bawling because i was a mommy, i just couldn't believe that she was mine. Then 3 months later my sister-in-law had a baby, we went to visit her in the hospital and it wasn't until that moment, hearing our newborn niece cry, that i realized that Chloe no longer had that very very distinct newborn cry. It was like in the blink of an eye she was no longer that tiny chubby little newborn that stole my heart. By the time that my sister had her twins in Late December 2008 Chloe was 8months old and cruising the couches, and i realized that she was no longer a little baby but she was turning into a toddler before my eyes. Who told my sweet little girl that she could grow up?! Now that Chloe is very quickly cruising to two years old i look at her and listen to her talking and telling people what she wants and thinks and i realize that my toddler is becoming a little lady. She is a little lady full of heart and love and overloaded with personality, a personality all of her own. She looks at pictures of McKenzie and kisses them and tells me that is sissy. She is so smart and she amazes me more and more every single day. I really never thought my heart could love any more than it did the first time i held her, but the reality is that everyday i love her more and more. My heart is bursting at the seams because of the love.