i really just need a hug

for the past month i have been getting more and more emotional about McKenzie and this pregnancy. I cant even describe the amount of guilt i feel just for being happy about Avery. I am awake every night until my body is just so physically tired it literally can't stay awake anymore. I cry and cry about feeling happy when inside i feel so sad. Chloe is so happy about becoming a big sister and she talks to Avery, but i cant help but think about what if McKenzie was here too. I wish Chloe understood what it means that she is already a big sister, but because her sister isnt physically here she doesn't.