15 days later....a full birth story

it has been 15days (well actually 16 because its after midnight) since my heart was ripped from my chest. 15days since my entire world came crashing down on me. It has been 15 days since i heard my dr say those horrible words that will haunt me forever, 15 day since i woke up and he told me "she didn't make it". 15 days later and i think i am finally ready to type out her entire birth story, so i guess i will see how far i can make it.

late Thursday night (5/14/09) i was at home and i couldn't stop throwing up and i was in pain, not intense pain but what i firmly believe were contractions. I waited a little bit but the pain got much worse and it was all the way into my back and i still couldn't stop throwing up. So at midnight i had Phillip take me to the ER because i needed to be seen. Well at the hospital they take you right back to labor and delivery if you are over 20 weeks, so there i went. The made me change into a gown and give a urine sample, i could barely even pee. The hooked me up to all the monitors to see if i was contracting and to monitor McKenzie's heart beat. My blood pressure was 151/101. When they got the lab results my urine showed that i was extremely dehydrated so they gave me an IV for fluid and a shot of zofran to make me stop throwing u. After 2 bags of fluid i still didn't have to pee but McKenzie still had a nice strong heartbeat of 145 and they weren't picking up any contractions so they sent me home and told me to rest and drink lots of water.

walking back to the truck i still didn't feel right and my body was very achy, i of course figured it was from being dehydrated and really thought nothing about it. Phillip and i got home around 5am, after being released at 4:30am, and i was in so much pain again, only worse. I got into the house and i couldn't make it out of the living room. Phillip's mom woke up and i was bawling because i was in so much pain. I started to feel sick again and she got a blanket and layed it on the floor for me to throw up on since i couldn't move. By that time Phillip was already on the phone with 911. I started to feel dizzy and felt like i was going to pass out, i was having chest pains and started pouring sweat. The ambulance got there and they took me out, but they couldn't even get my blood pressure to read. I don't remember a whole lot until i was at the hospital (apparently i was in and out of consciousness). I got to labor and delivery and they tryed to hook up monitors to check McKenzie's heart beat but they were having trouble finding it. My blood pressure was a mear 86/59. They let me take off my own shorts and put blankets over me. they brought in the ultrasound tech and an ultrasound machine to check her heart beat. i watched as she zoomed in on the heart and i saw that it was no longer beating. Moments later they told me they were prepping me, i asked for what and they said they were taking me for my c-section. I started to cry and told them it was too early. I said my tearful goodbye to Phillip. The cut my shirt off of me, put a gown on and we headed to the operating room. Once in the operating room everything was being rushed, they told me they were giving me something that was going to make it hard to breath but that they would help me. It literally felt like i was choking and i couldn't breath and that is the last thing i remember until i woke up in recovery.

i woke up in recovery freezing cold and the first person i saw was Dr.M  and i asked him how she was. He tearfully looked at me, grabbed my hand and told me that she didn't make it. I couldn't hold back the tears, and when they let Phillip come in to see me he was bawling and so was i. McKenzie Lee was born at 6:58am on 5/15/09 a tiny 4lbs 9oz and 18in long. she was born at 32weeks and 6days.

i later found out that my uterus had ruptured causing me all that pain. I also had a placental abruption, which is what caused McKenzie's death and me to almost bleed to death. I was bleeding internally from the rupture and abruption and eventually lost 1/2 my blood because of it. That is why i felt like i was going to pass out and was sweating. I really am lucky to be alive.

Am i crazy?

i think the answer to that may be yes. I honest to god feel like i am going crazy. I feel like the whole world is spinning one direction and i am spinning the other. I feel like some days i dont want to wake up. Scratch that somedays i pray that i wont wake up, so that i can wake up with McKenzie, i have a daughter and a husband to take care of, how irrational is that?!?! But it happens. Many of my days and nights are spent crying myself in and out of conciousness. I am lucky if i even remember what day of the week it is, i no longer have the concept of time, day is night and night is day. Am i going crazy or have i already gone crazy? I feel like i dont have a rational thought left in my head. Somedays i pray to wake up and be pregnant again, and somedays i pray to wake up and be all alone. I feel like i am living under a dark cloud. I swear i have gone crazy.

i dont know what to do with myself

i find myself wandering around aimlessly about 95% of the time. i wander around with my head in a fog, to where the world is literally spinning. I find that i feel like i am spiraling down a black hole. Yesterday i was in a good mood, a genuinly good mood and i dont know why. It was the first time since the 15th that i have been able to say i was in a good mood. Physically i am healing ok, i find myself doing more and more each day. I still find it hard to pick Chloe up, maybe because i am not supposed to be pickig her up, but i love to give her lovins. emotionally i really dont know where i stand. I cry alot but i think thats normal, i am angry and sad a lot. i guess these days i just really dont know. What i do know is that friday is going to be a hard day for me, i guess it has to get worse befor it can get better.

In Mckenzie's Honor

We are asking that on Friday May 29th the day we lay mckenzie to rest, everyone wear a blue and pink ribbon in honor of Mckenzie, to show your support for infant/pregnancy loss awareness. We thank you for showing your concerns and support to our family during our time of need.

it has been 8days

8 long, miserable and very hard days since my heart was broken. 8 days since my world changed forever. I count the hours of the days as they pass, i sleep and think to myself that if it werent for phillip and chloe i would wish that i wouldnt wake up. 8 days and its not getting any easier. I dont see it getting any easier anytime soon. Everyday is just as hard to deal with as the last, and everyday i feel just as i did yesterday. Maybe someday the pieces of my heart and life will come back together, or maybe they wont. i guess only time will tell

i try

written on 5/19

i try to hold back all the tears i have. Trying to be strong for my family, but i see her name, i read her name, i think her name, and even if i say her name i cry. I cry because in the next week i know i am burrying my daughter. that isnt supposed to happen. parents arnt supposed to have to burry their children. SHe was so beautiful, its not fair. I told everyone that she was going to look just like me, and she did, but i dont get to keep her. I am angry, angry that i failed her. I as her mother am supposed to protect and take care of her and i didnt, i failed her. My body failed her. I cry because i know i physically cant have anymore kids. I am failing my husband, not just my daughter but i failed everyone

Mckenzie Lee Hunt

born still 5/15/09 6:58am
4lbs 9oz 18in long

she will forever be my angel baby

Oh the places you will go....

I cant believe that i am already almost 32weeks pregnant and that my little baby is no longer a baby but she is a big ol toddler. Chloe had her first birthday on the 29the 29th of april and her party on the 3rd of may. Her party deffinantly did not go as planned but who cares, she had a blast and so did i. I cant believe how much stuff she got, clothes, toys and books oh my. LOL. Since phillip has had some good days off this last week we even took her to the monterey bay aquarium. Chloe was totally fascinated by the fish there and didnt really want to leave. The poor kid has been through so much as far as illnesses and things lately it was nice to see her with a smile on her face, loving every second of the day (minus the LONG car ride)

This sunday (for mothers day) Phillip is taking chloe and i to San Francisco so that we can go to the zoo. Then from there we will be going to play on pier 39 and fishermans warf. I am so excited to be spending my mothers day there.

Baby hunt #2 is going to be here soon and i really cant wait. I think i am really over being pregnant, but luckily her movements have slowed a little, so she is no longer attacking my bladder all day long. i really dont know how exactly chloe is going to react to having a new baby here but i think she will be a good big sister. at least i hope she will be a good big sister.

now what you have been waiting for...PICS..... just from her party though, all the aquarium ones are on the other computer.






oh yes and lets not forget the cake with her name spelled wrong.......