dear 2009

dear 2009.....

As much as you have sucked big time, i really am sad to see you go. You helped me realize that i have the most amazing friends (BOTB and MB) and family that anyone could ever ask for. 2009, you took away a part of me that i can never get back, and in return gave me the ability to be stronger and a better person. you taught me what true hurt, true love and true compassion really are and for that i thank you. As much sorrow, hurt and anger you brought, you brought that much love, smiles and tears of happiness too. So dear 2009 i am sad to see you go, but here is to an even more amazing 2010 full of more love, laughter, tears, hurt, pain and learning! Without the bad we could never appreciate the good!

farewell,
Me

fuck the year 2009

i will never again utter those famous last words "it cant get any worse" because as i have come to find out this year, it can!

there is a possibility that Phillip could be getting fired today. one of his co-workers Chris was working lower bay with him and did the rear differential on a truck, well Phillip had to take over working on the truck and it left and everything.
After it left they realized that Chris had forgotten to put the plug back in on the rear differential. so the manager (who is Phillip's sister's husband) went to the guys house to see if the truck was there to put the plug back in. if the truck wasn't there and it blows the rear diff (or whatever) its like a $7,000 fix and the 3 guys responsible for it (Phillip and the 2 Chris') will most likely (read: will) be fired. Can this year possibly be anymore fucked up?

there was a moment in time

there was a moment in time when i didn't think i was going to make it from one minute to the next, from one day to the next. Here i am 7months later (tomorrow) and i can honestly say that i know i am going to make it. I still have bad days, the 15th of the month is always harder for me, her birthday is going to be awful, and i don't know if i will ever look at the 4th of July the same again (her due date). I am here and i am making it. I find that my days are filled with more smiles than tears. Through all of this i have made amazing friends, friends that will be apart of my life forever.

a difficult week

this week has been difficult. i sat helpless praying for all i am worth as i heard the news that another friend had lost her little girl. My heart sank and my eyes welled up with tears as i read that little Jillian Hannah had passed away. 5 times this year my heart has been broken, but not just for me, but for the other families that are suffering in the same way that i am, suffering because we have all lost a child. On top of all the tears i have cried for Megan and her little Jillian i have cried tears for myself. Tears because nobody wants to know what it is like to lose a child, and yet so many of us feel the pain.
In 4days it will be McKenzie's 7month angelversary. We are now on the downhill slope to her 1st birthday.

i dont think i say enough just how great my sister is

we have our ups and downs, but so does everyone. My sister and i are total opposites, like night and day. When push comes to shove though, we stick together like glue, its us against the world. This year has been a tough one for my family, with lots of sad and rough times, but my sister as stood by me through it all. In may when McKenzie was born my sister was out of state at her brother-in-law's college graduation. She called me to talk to me and ask if there was anything i needed, in reality that phone call was all i needed from her. Little did i know that as soon as my sister got the call about McKenzie's birth/death she was on the phone with some of her friends getting flower shop information. I received a dozen roses from my sister with a sweet card in it, it was really a little sunshine on a cloudy day. Back in september when we totaled our truck i was in so much pain i couldnt stand straight, i called my mom bawling telling her we had been in an accident. My mom couldnt understand me and immidiatly called my sister. Shortly after the ambulance got me to the ER my sister and mom got there. My sister basically dropped everything (leaving her boys home with her husband) to rush to the hospital and make sure that phillip and i were OK. Even after the x-rays came back ok, she didnt leave, she stayed in the ER with me until i was released. I know i dont give her enough credit most of the time and we have totally different views on everything but she really is always there for me. So Amber, i love you and thanks for always being there for me, through thick and thin i really couldnt have asked for a better sister!

the one thing that still gets me everytime

is when pregnant women talk about how they have reached "v-day" or viability stage in a pregnancy. When a fetus/baby has a fighting chance of making it outside of the womb. It gets me everytime because McKenzie was born at 32weeks 6days, well past "v-day" and theoretically should have lived. She was a premie for sure but should have been able to live outside of the womb. She never even had a fighting chance, she never even got to take her first breath. I never got to hear her cry.

am i really healing or just forgetting

lately i find that the days that i spend crying are few and far between, usually set off by a specific and significant date or something like that. So am i actually healing or am i just forgetting. Im so glad that i dont spend every waking minute crying from the pain, the pain that only another mother that has suffered like this can understand. But i dont want to forget either, i dont want to forget her beautiful sweet face with her little butt chin. I dont want to forget the way she used to kick me all night and sleep all day! I dont ever want those memories to disappear. Her long skinny feet, just the opposite of her big sisters chubby feet. Her tiny hands and long ET fingers that i wrapped around my finger as i rubbed her little hands. Her beautiful black hair with a read tint/glow. for the first time ever phillip and i talked about McKenzie and her birth and death and it didnt reduce me to tears, and i feel so guilty for it.
The pain of the fact that chloe will probably never have a living sibling is more a reality now than it ever has been before.