one of the hardest things

about coping was talking to phillip about being so tired of the question "are you ok?" because if i answer "yes" it would be a lie but if i answer "no" people are going to assume i am having issues. The reason that question bothers me so much is because i know that i am never going to be "ok", i am never again going to be what i once considered to be "normal" and i will never again be the person that i used to be. I will forever more be the mother of an angel and that in and of itself changes a person. I will learn to cope and deal and live my life "dealing with it" but i will never be "ok". How could i be ok after all we have been through? Anyway.... one of the hardest things was listening to phillip tell me that he hates that everyone just assumes that he is "ok" and so nobody but me ever bothers to ask him how he is doing and if he is ok (the question doesnt bother him like it does me). I never really realized until that moment that he was right, everyone i guess assumes that this was all harder on me because i was the pregnant one, or maybe they just think he needs to be ok because he is a man or because he doesnt really show it. It was hard to listen to him actually "break down", not because i dont care or i didnt want to hear it but because my rock and the person that keeps me sane is having just as hard of a time as i am.

an uncertain future

i hate the fact that my life and future are in that little gray area of something that should be black & white. Through all of this i have learned many things, one of which is there really is no such thing as just black and white, there will always be that little gray area. My life right now is completely in that gray area with a very uncertain future. I have no idea what my lie ahead. I hate that it is unclear weather or not we can even have future children, i feel like if i was told with all certainty that i could not have more kids, i could greive, deal with it and move on. But once again i am in that gray area, where i am told that i can PROBABLY have more kids after waiting AT LEAST a year, but really nobody is sure or can guarntee that. There is no guarntee that i could even get pregnant in the first place or even sustain a pregnancy once i do get pregnant. I have been keeping track of my cycle lengths just to get to know my body again, so that i know what the hell it is doing. I used to (before chloe and kenzie) have perfect 28day cycles, my first one PP after kenzie was somewhere around 30days, and this last one was 26days. My body is still trying to get its shit together and be normal.

My future with my family is uncertain for sure, i have phillip, chloe, my mom and my sister and that is about it. The rest of my family is non-existant, the only time i hear from them is every december for my dad's familys ornament exchange or for birthday parties that i have been invited to, never do i get an email or even just a facebook message. Although i guess it is a 2way street that i am not driving on either.

Somedays i wish life was easier and that bad things didnt happen, but i guess if life was easy and bad things didnt happen we wouldnt be who we are.

i guess it is true what they say... there are only 2 guarnteed things in life...death and taxes!

it wont be fair

Phillip and I have been talking about the future (not the real near future). We obviously are waiting AT LEAST a year before we even consider trying to have more kids. For more that one reason, but the most obvious is the fact that it would probably kill me to try any sooner. Well we were talking about possible future kids and it dawned on my that if/when we do have more kids it is not going to be fair. With both Chloe and McKenzie's pregnancies it was a celebration the entire time, then with what happened to me and McKenzie at almost 33wks. We realized that most people worry about the first 12wks, but then there are people like me that will have to worry until the day i have any future babies. If/when we do get pregnant again i fear that everyone will be on pins and needles the entire time. That sucks, because if/when we do get pregnant again we will not be telling anyone until after 12wks (just like we did with kenzie) and after that i want people to celebrate and be joyful at the prospect of new life. We cant live in fear of the possibilities or we will never truely live. Hmmm. just something i have been thinking about.

i dont ever want to feel that way again

last night chloe slept in our bed, she has been doing it a few nights for the last couple weeks due to her teething. Last night as she layed sound asleep on my chest it was the most amazing feeling ever, i truely felt needed. As the fan was blowing on us i kept trying to cover her up so that she wouldnt get too cold, but she just kept uncovering herself. She loves the fan just like her daddy. I felt her arm and it was ICE cold, i kept trying to warm her up by rubbing her arm as a bawled. Then it dawned on my why i was bawling, she felt just as cold as McKenzie did the last time i held her. A little tiny ice cube, only this time i wasnt just going to let her be ice cold like i did with Kenzie. I wanted chloe to be warm and comfortable. I dont ever want to feel the way i did the last time i held mckenzie, i want to remember her being warm and cuddled up just like the first time i held her. I pray to god that i never feel that way again, and that NO mother ever has to feel what it is like.

I AM

i am....i am a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. I am strong and i am weak, i am grieving and i a wreck. I am Loved and i am protected, i am sincere and i am loyal. But most of all i always have been and always will be ME! I am Laura, a grieving mother, mourning the loss of her baby with no answers!

the pictures we didnt buy

and now here are her pictures that we didnt buy...

teeth. teeth, more teeth and PICTURES

good god will the teething ever end? chloe has been beastly for a couple weeks now (i think, i lost track now). Well i finally figured out why after feeling in her mouth. She is cutting 2 top teeth in the front (one on each side of the 2 she already has). She cut a top molar on the left side already, plus she is cutting a molar on the bottom left and on the top and bottom right. Along with all the molars she is cutting one bottom tooth on each side of the 2 she has. Good grief child did it all have to happen at one time?!? the poor kid must be in pain.

So on sunday 7/19 phillip and i took chloe to get her pics done at the picture people since we had a coupon for a free package. We got the free package and ended up buying more poses because they were just too cute to pass up, and even with what we got i am still sad that we couldnt get all of them. Anyway here are some of her pictures....

songs i like, they remind me of her

just 3 songs that i really love, the last 2 were played at Kenzie's funeral. please listen to them

Dear McKenzie,

Two months already, i just cant believe it. Happy 2month angelversary my sweet angel baby. I love you more and more everyday. Where has the time gone? i count the days and it seems to go in slow motion for me as the rest of the world moves at just as fast as a pace as it ever has. You my dear are so loved and missed that i dont think i could find the words to say it. Your sister is getting so big and learning so many new things, i am trying to teach her to say your name. I think of you every second of everyday and i often wonder what you would be doing and learning now. There will never be a day that goes by that i dont think of you sweet baby girl. i love you.


sleep sweet angel baby,
MOMMY

My challenge to you

here is my challenge to every single person that reads this blog. Say something nice. Say something nice to every person you talk to, weather its complementing their cooking, or telling them that you love them.
Since haveing kenzie and realizing that i almost died, life is too short to always be negative. I see too much in todays society that people are not very nice. So my challenge to you is to say something nice to everyone you talk to, everyday for a week. See if you feel differently than you did the week before. I am going to do the same thing, i bet it makes me feel better.

McKenzie Lee

my beautiful baby girls hospital pics finally came in, so i thought i would share them here.

saturday July 11th 2009

saturday was a lot of fun. we met up with some other mommies at Fairy Tale Town in sacramento, then phillip and i continued on to the zoo (i havent uploaded the zoo pics yet) and then MIL watched chloe that night and phillip and i went cosmic bowling.

~~~~~FAIRY TALE TOWN PICS~~~~~






















~~~~~BOWLING PICTURES~~~~~

do you ever feel

like you are screaming and nobody is listening? i dont know sometimes i just feel like i am yelling at the top of my lungs and nobody is around to hear it.

anyway on a side note i have some new pictures to post tomorrow

sometimes i wonder

does anyone actually read this?

is there anything you want to know?

this is an open invite to anyone who actually reads my rambelings to ask me anything that you want to know. It doesnt have to relate to anything in particular. So if there is something/anything that you want to know just leave a comment and ask. i will answer everything as honestly as i possibly can.

i wouldnt ever give it up

even with all the truely terrible luck that phillip and i have, i wouldnt give up the life i have for anything. I am now firm believer in the phrase "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger". I know that i will be stronger from all that i have gone through. I know that we will be stronger in our relationship after all is said and done. There have been numerous days (i dont even want to admitt how many) that i have gone to bed, not wanting to wake up in the morning, to take the easy road. I of course never in a million years would do it, i have a daughter to be here for and an amazing husband to help. Through this i have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that the easy road is deffinantly not always the right road. Oh and i am always very very glad when i wake up in the morning and see that beautiful face of my teriffic baby girl.

I am so happy that the cemetary FINALLY put up kenzie's temporary marker, it took almost 2months but at least it is there now. Better late than never right?!?!

happy due date to us

or rather a not so happy due date in our case. Today, the 4th of July is my due date with little miss McKenzie. its such a hard bitter sweet day for me. I cant believe that i should have a little baby to be taking care of but instead will be going to by a flag to put on her grave so she can celebrate too. Words still seem to fail me most of the time, but they days have been getting easier, until this week of course. i suspect and hope that the days will start to get easier again soon. i am surviving, maybe i am not thriving but i certainly and surviving.