Tuesday, July 28, 2009
one of the hardest things
about coping was talking to phillip about being so tired of the question "are you ok?" because if i answer "yes" it would be a lie but if i answer "no" people are going to assume i am having issues. The reason that question bothers me so much is because i know that i am never going to be "ok", i am never again going to be what i once considered to be "normal" and i will never again be the person that i used to be. I will forever more be the mother of an angel and that in and of itself changes a person. I will learn to cope and deal and live my life "dealing with it" but i will never be "ok". How could i be ok after all we have been through? Anyway.... one of the hardest things was listening to phillip tell me that he hates that everyone just assumes that he is "ok" and so nobody but me ever bothers to ask him how he is doing and if he is ok (the question doesnt bother him like it does me). I never really realized until that moment that he was right, everyone i guess assumes that this was all harder on me because i was the pregnant one, or maybe they just think he needs to be ok because he is a man or because he doesnt really show it. It was hard to listen to him actually "break down", not because i dont care or i didnt want to hear it but because my rock and the person that keeps me sane is having just as hard of a time as i am.
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wow this made me think of what was going on with me after I misscarried.everyone asked me if i was ok,asked me how i was doing.but never once asked david. I didnt even ask him.I guess I didnt wanna see him that way,see how it affected him. but one day when i was feeling at my lowest i was walking to my room and heard david crying.out of all the years ive been with him never once did i hear him cry. and it just made realize he is going through the samething as i was.but i guess i didnt wanna see my rock that way either.
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