NICU, day 52

Tonight was a down night. I sat in the NICU and cried because i thought we were over this part but then i was slapped back to reality. Tonight when we walked in the first thing i noticed was tat Avery is back on oxygen. That in and of itself is not a big deal but she had a TON of de-sats today, that was really the straw that broke the camels back. I think i know why she had so many today though. The new order for Avery's feeds is 42mL with a bottle offered every OTHER feed. Well the day shift nurse today gave her a bottle for 2 feeds in a row and she basically let her eat until she was "full" so Avery took 45mL and then 50mL the next feed. Normally i would think that was great except for the fact that she let a baby that just came of off oxygen eat WAY more than she ever has. Avery has never even eaten that much by gavage, so i think she was just way too full because she has never had that much so then she was having trouble breathing.
My dream of having her home for Christmas is no longer even in sight. I knew that there would be ups and downs that come with the NICU journey and I know that in the grand scheme of things we have had and still have it pretty easy. On the other hand I can only get knocked down so many times before i can no longer get back up and I honestly don't know how many more times I will be able to get back up.
I hate that I am always stuck at home and when I do leave I have to be VERY aware of the time and getting back home to pump. I know Avery needs it and I know i want her to have it but I feel so trapped and stuck. I wish I could just get out, get a hair cut and and pedicure or something. I feel so down but man I have really gotten good at faking a smile.