ramble ramble ramble

so christine is having her son tomorrow, it suck for me, but i am not sure exactly how i am going to handle it. I know it is going to be a very long time if at all i ever decided to hold him, i know that its not fair to him, he didnt make my body fail. On top of that my due date is this comming saturday, talk about a double whammy. i really think i may need a drink. We are planning to take chloe to all the local festivities and that way i can keep my mind off of everything.

Chloe is starting to like the water, we have been going swimming at my moms new apartments and at first she would scream, now she will even splash a little in the pool, its pretty cute. I need to take some pics next time. We set up chloe's little blow up pool, and at first she wanted nothing to do with it, but Jaylynn(our niece) had a blast in it. Then after Jaylynn went home chloe got in it on her own and had a good time, i think that she just didnt want to play with jaylynn. Chloe is also starting to throw temper tantrums, but that just doesnt fly with mommy and she is quickly learning that it is not ok.

i took a big step in moving forward and got rid of all of Kenzie's baby clothes, we gave them to phillip's co-worker who is going to be a first time daddy. He was glad to get them and i was glad to get rid of them (they took up a lot of room).

i have been MIA

and i have some stuff to blog about, so i shall be back later tonight to type out what i have to say. for now i am off to do what i need to do.

monday blues (a day early)

i know its only sunday but i already have the monday blues. Tomorrow was the day i should have been going in to become a mom of 2 under 2, on my moms birthday. But instead i will be swimming with my little sunshine and my mom, drowning my sorrows in a chlorine filled pool pretending that everything is ok. Both my mom and my MIL have taken me aside recently to talk to me about their concerns and they both think that i should call the number that the hospital gave me for group sessions for people in my situation. I am not sure i am going to call that number simply because i really dont want to do group sessions, or maybe i will call it and see if they have anything 1 on 1. I know i need to talk to a counselor or something because i know i am holding a lot in and things like that. I just wish that life were easier sometimes. I wish i still had my cell phone, but it was pay storage and keep all of our stuff or pay cell phones and loose all our things. I wish that i was able to sit here typing while i nursed my 5 week old. I wish i didnt lay in bed and cry most days. But i guess the moral of the story is that life isnt fair, but we have to learn to deal with the hand we were dealt.

Happy 1month Angelversary McKenzie

Dear McKenzie,

happy 1month angelversary my sweet baby. I cant believe it has already been a month since you left us. Time seems to have gone on for the rest of the world but for mommy it seems to have stood still. I miss you with every breath i take, every second of the day. Mommy knows that you have more important businss to take care of though, and that someday we will be together again. For now you are watching over us and making sure that we are ok, i know that your sister feels you here with her, i just know it. I know that you are up there taking care of your uncle and grandpa. You were never meant to be here with me, you were just too perfect to stay, god needed you up there. I love you and i think of you all day, everyday. I hope that you are looking down thinking that mommy is making you proud!

love always,

your mommy

My wish list for chloe

i have decided to make a list of all the toys i want to get chloe in the near future that way i dont forget anything and i can look back and cross things off as we get them. and i can add to it as i discover more we want to get.

here goes:

LeapFrog Learn and Groove Musical Table
she loves music so much that i think it would be fun for her
http://www.target.com/LeapFrog-Learn-Groove-Musical-Table/dp/B000ETRENI/qid=1245042629/ref=br_1_1/189-3235968-2132909?ie=UTF8&node=240653011&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1

Fisher-Price Baby's First Blocks
a learning toy to help her learn to put the blocks in the right spot
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=6006715

Fisher-Price Pull and Pop Pelican
bwahahah just for fun
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10040234

Cozy Coupe Ball Pit with PVC Ball Pit Balls, 100-Pack
because seriously who wouldnt think that was fun?
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10761906
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=8456390&findingMethod=rr

Castle Bouncer
because no house is complete without an indoor jump house
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10967575&findingMethod=rr

dear cemetary employees/volunteers

i understand that you are now almost soley based on people that volunteer due to your cemetary employees and your lack of ownership skills and your inability to properly handle money but get your shit together. It is not my fault that you all have your heads so far up your butt that you can no longer see daylight. You charged me for a temporary marker for my daughters plot until we can afford to buy a head stone but yet a month later there is no marker there at all. There is nothing indicating where my daughter is burried and that makes me one very furious mother. So please pull your heads out of your asses and put a marker up for my daughter before i really get pissed

thanks,
a pissed off grieveing mother

my little Chloekins

is getting so damn big. Its been a while since i wrote about her. She is so amazing and just so much fun to be around. she says so many things these days and she is becomming more of a little person and less of a baby.

Words she says (new ones are bold):
***these are not all her words, just the ones i can think of at the moment***
mama
dada
nana
auntie
anma (grandma)
kimmy (her aunt, comes our more immy though)
debbie (her aunt)
up
down
please
more
drink
juice
thank-you
food
bite
yes
dog
cat
bad dog (she loves to tell the dogs that when they bark)
ok
shoes

she can also point to things when you ask her where they are like her nose and eyes. she will go look for things like her pillow, blanket, cup and toys when you tell her to, and she will bring them to you.
she drinks around 30oz of milk a day, her doctor isnt conserned though because she is still considered to be small. she likes to grab shoes and try to put them on her feet by herself and she will also try to put clothes on.

My first day "alone"

today was my first day "alone". Meaning phillip went back to work today, It was bittersweet for me. As much as we need the money to pay back the $3,000 loan we got to help pay for the funeral (yes that is right 3grand is just what we STILL owe) i really wish he could stay home with me. I spent a lot of the day crying to myself. I am so sad, sad because i realized that McKenzie's 1month Angelversary is just a mere 6days away. I cant believe it has been that long since my whole world was turned upside down. I am starting to think that at just 13months old Chloe knows that there is something different. To some degree i believe that she knows that she isnt going to get a "take home sister".

I cried today because of the statistics of still birth, 1 in every 115 births in the US is a still birth, and in the US there are 26,000 still births a year!!! That is a discustingly high number. Our babies are dieing, my baby was one of those statistics.

Though i believe her death was not in vein, he death is going to help me to educate and inform people. Inform them that it does happen, and it happens way to often.

so i ask one favor of every single person reading my blog right now, please make me the promise that you wont ever let McKenzie's death be in vein, tell her story, help her educate and tell people that it does happen. Refer my blog if you want to. Keep her memory alive, and i will continue to do the same!

i will NEVER fall

i will never fall, i will continue to stand tall and take it as it comes, one day at a time. I will never fall because i have too many people cheering me on, rooting for me to keep going. Somedays i may slip, but i can guarntee that i will never fall. I will never give up. I will continue to live my life, i will live my life for chloe, and i will live my life for Mckenzie. I will make people aware of pregnancy/infant loss, because it does happen. I will live my life with purpose and with hope. I will live for the purpose and hope that someday i know that all babies will be born heathy and thriving.

my mom is a survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

(By Kaye Des'Ormeaux
October 15, 1998
Dedicated to the mothers who have
lost a child & have somehow survived.)

i found this poem online and i thought that it was beautiful, but i dont consider myself a survivor. I am barely surviving through all of this however i am not a survivor. maybe someday i will be, someday i hope to be. But i am posting this poem for ever woman who has ever lost a child, be it through miscarriage or through infant/child death. You all are survivors and someday i am to be a survivor.

i really have no title

today i decided that i wanted to feel more like myself again so phillip and i went out and bought some hair die. Kathy (phillip's sister) came over and parted the back of my hair and voila, now i have the back of my hair died purple!!!! I still dont feel like myself and the dye didnt really help me feel like myself. Maybe its all a cover-up to make me think i am getting better, or "getting over" what happened. I still put on a fake smile everyday and go out to do what i need to (but nothing more than that really) and pretend that my heart isnt breaking. Pretending that everytime i see a new baby or a very pregnant woman my heart doesnt long for what she has. I pretend that my heart doesnt break everytime i see something i saved for her, or everytime i see a piece of maternity clothes in my drawers. My heart breaks over and over every single day, and maybe i am just trying to fool myself into thinking that everything is ok.

id give anything to be pregnant again

but not just any pregnancy, pregnant with McKenzie again. I should be 36wks 2days pregnant. I should be having my little girl in 2wks 2days, instead of spending all day sitting outside selling her clothes at a yard sale. I would give anything to be able to take those words back that i now regret saying so much. "I am so done being pregnant, i want it to be over". I have never regretted anything more in my life than uttering those words. this is now how i pictured my life at 23, this is not how i pictured my family life to be like at all.

i give up

i hate my life. blood presssure is 153/89. i am going through all this damn suffering and i dont even get to hold my baby because of it. life isnt fair and i hate, i fucking give up, i quit, i have been defeated. i will never give up on chloe or dh, but i really do give up on my body. My body continues to fail me and my family every single day. My body failed my daughter and now this.

You know its been a bad day when.....

you get the call to pick up your infant daughter's death certificate. As i read over it i am amazed actually. She was born with no heart beat and not breathing and yet the doctors literally tried everything they could, they tried for 20 minutes to make my little angel breath but to no avail. Her time of death was called exactly 20mins after she was born. I guess what the docors didnt realize is that McKenzie had a bigger purpose in life. She was never meant to be my earth angel like chloe, she was always meant to be my heaven sent. Before she was ever born Phillip and I had always called her our little angel. Little did we know for all those weeks just how right we were.

today is a hard day

today seem to be a very hard day for me. i should still be pregnant, i should have 3wks left until my angel makes her grand entrance into the world. At the same time i sit her and look at chloe and think that i should have a 16 day old baby to take care of, i should be dealing with all the same things that every mom of 2 under 2 is dealing with, but im not. Instead i sit her and cry and wonder how the hell we are going to be able to have our daughters funeral paid completely off in the next 60days. Its not fair, no mother should ever have to burry their child. I will never get to watch her grow up, see her personality, plan her birthday parties. I am never going to gt to watch her graduate, prom shop with her and watch her get married to the man of her dreams. No mother should ever have to feel the anger, hurt and sadness that i feel. No mother should ever have to watch as the burry a casket that small, they shouldnt even make them that small, its just not fair. Its not fair that my life will never be normal again, i can eventually have what i will consider normal for the circumstance but i will never again have the normal life i once knew. I feel like the depression is getting the best of me, but how do i know if it is or not? I choose most of the time not to leave my house unless i have to, and even then i try to only leave at night unless its for an appt that i have to go to. i guess today is just a really rough day, heres hoping for a better tomorrow.