Monday, June 8, 2009
i really have no title
today i decided that i wanted to feel more like myself again so phillip and i went out and bought some hair die. Kathy (phillip's sister) came over and parted the back of my hair and voila, now i have the back of my hair died purple!!!! I still dont feel like myself and the dye didnt really help me feel like myself. Maybe its all a cover-up to make me think i am getting better, or "getting over" what happened. I still put on a fake smile everyday and go out to do what i need to (but nothing more than that really) and pretend that my heart isnt breaking. Pretending that everytime i see a new baby or a very pregnant woman my heart doesnt long for what she has. I pretend that my heart doesnt break everytime i see something i saved for her, or everytime i see a piece of maternity clothes in my drawers. My heart breaks over and over every single day, and maybe i am just trying to fool myself into thinking that everything is ok.
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I so know that feeling.my husbands cuzzin is due a week and half before I was suppose to have my baby.and the chick openly said to EVERYONE she didnt want kids,and now she is pregnant and acting like its something she always wanted. It pisses me off all the time. It kills me when i see her..it kills me when I see pregnant women.Here I am,been trying for two years to get pregnant and in those two years I lost two babies. and I see all these females i just wanna be those people.I "pretended" i was fine,I chopped off all my hair and dyed it. I got a tattoo but nothing helped me.Nothing made me feel like I did before. I dont think I will ever be myself again.
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