this is going to be a happy AWish post

being that i am pretty down this week due to going to a friends funeral (i will post about that later in the week) i want this post to be a happy one (or something like that). So here is my attempt.

This is going to be a love story of sorts. I met Phillip in high school, we rode the same bus, though we never actually talked. In 2007 (may 19th to be exact) we started dating.
(i don't know why his head looks so big, crappy cell phone pic)
We went on several dates, just hanging out and going bowling, even staying up all night to watch the sun rise together (see above pic). We were carefree and totally in love, i knew he was going to be my "happily ever after". He made me smile and feel like i was the only person alive, and still to this day makes me feel that way. He took me for my very first time ever to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.


We spent every free second together, and we did a lot of this....


he told me he loved me and i of course said it back. I think at that point it was clear to the both of us that this was a forever kind of love. In September (the 1st to be exact) i was going to meet his family for the first time. I was feeling kind of sick and off, and got the shock of my life (just hours before meeting his entire family)


Yep, happily carefree and in love we were expecting a baby!
We had already talked about getting married, and decided that we didn't want to wait. So on October 28th 2007 we were married in Reno (we sort of eloped).


and doesn't every good bride cover her honey's face in lipstick kisses the night before they get married?!? NO? oh well i did...


We decided not to find out the gender of our little bundle of joy to be, and in February we decided to have some pictures taken for valentines day (while i was 7ish months pregnant)


the belly continued to grow


And just 2 days later (2weeks before my due date) we met our 8lb7oz 19in daughter for the first time as we became a family of 3!


At just over 2months old on July 5th 2008 we had our first family pictures taken (by crystal at shreevephotography.com). We were not only completely head over heals in love with each other but we were and still are madly in love with our little Chloe Anne.








Chloe has always been and remains to this day a total daddy's girl


In october (the 11th) of 2008 we had our second set of family pictures done (at picture peoples) and it was obvious that chloe runs the show!


well that's about 1/2 this "love" story, i will save the rest for another day!

what i want for mothers day

today i told phillip what i want for mothers day this year. This year i want a tattoo (or at least the start of it). I want to get chloe's newborn foot prints (offset to make it look like they are walking) with her name and date of birth under them. Then under those i want Kenzie's the same way. So for mothers day i want to get AT LEAST chloe's done and then i will have kenzie's added later. Hopefully it wont cost too much since they are pretty small feet and they will just be black/grey not color.

drool

i would love to get one of these....someday i hope.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Canon-EOS-Digital-Camera-Rebel-XT-Black-w-Zoom-Lens_W0QQitemZ220557604834QQcmdZViewItemQQptZDigital_Cameras?hash=item335a41f7e2

http://cgi.ebay.com/NIKON-D70s-DSLR-w-AF-NIKKOR-28-80mm-f3-5-5-6G-Lens_W0QQitemZ270535353720QQcmdZViewItemQQptZDigital_Cameras?hash=item3efd29e578

http://cgi.ebay.com/NEW-Nikon-D3000-w-Lens-Kit-18-to-55mm-10-2-Megapixel_W0QQitemZ280468078254QQcmdZViewItemQQptZDigital_Cameras?hash=item414d333eae

baked ranch chicken

***this is the recipe that i used tonight, i havent tasted it yet since it is still cooking. I will let you know if it was good (i think it sounds yummy though)***

Baked Ranch Chicken

1 envelope ranch dressing mix
1 cup Italian bread crumbs
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted
6 to 8 boneless chicken breasts

In a shallow dish combine dressing mix, bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese.

Dip chicken in butter then roll in crumb mixture.

Place in a greased baking dish and bake at 350 degrees F for 45 minutes or until juices run clear.

and we're back to private

i changed my blog back to private and don't intend to change it back to public again. there are too many weirdos out there and i have a family to protect. I will be doing some more clean up of the blog by cleaning out readers again, and getting rid of the people that i either never hear from or i don't recognize the email address/name. i am honestly not really sure how much i will be around, i guess only time will tell. Until next time i wish everyone all the best.

The many faces of chloe **wordless wednesday**

therapy take 2

Yesterday i had my 2nd therapy visit only this visit was for Phillip and myself both. It was really good to get us both in there to talk and i of course cried a little. She asked what, if anything that I/we would like to work on together. I told her that we need to work on understanding, understanding how each other feels because we are still dealing with the grief from McKenzie's death. We deal with things differently and a lot of that has to do with the way we were raised. We were raised very very differently, in Phillip's family they kind of sweep those feelings under the rug (especially his dad). However i was raised that we talked about things like that if we needed to.
So here lies our communication/understanding issue. I want to talk about how i feel about and what i am dealing with, and Phillip doesn't talk about it. So a lot of times i feel alone and that i am the only one feeling the way i feel. That isn't the case, but that is how i feel because he doesn't talk about how he is doing (re: McKenzie). She is helping us deal with stress management and communication. She is also helping me learn to separate things like past vs. present when bad things happen. Like not to make little things into big things because it reminds me of something that happened with McKenzie. I don't really know how to explain it better than that.

the first time in a long time

Friday i went with my mom and spent the day, while i was with her we went and saw some of our old neighbors (that we are still friends with). Well we stopped by and talked to Y and V (childhood friends/neighbors) and for the first time in about 8 months or so someone asked me about Kenzie without knowing. Y asked me where my other one was, and i was a little bit confused about what she meant (thinking she knew about Kenzie, because her mom was at the funeral). My mom thought she was talking about Phillip, so i asked her. She told me "didnt you have another baby?" and i replied "nope, i just have chloe". Never in a million years did i ever think that i would deny McKenzie, i denied her like she never existed and i instantly felt overwhelming guilt about it. I was having a rough day and i just couldnt go into details about it, and on top of that i didnt want to make her feel bad for not knowing about it. I didnt want to see the look of pitty and i didnt want her to feel sorry for me, so i said no. It is the first time i have ever (that i remember) denied my daughter. I guess i thought that being this far out i wouldnt have to come across that situation anymore and that everyone would know already.

beautiful blogger

YAY...i received my first blogging award. I got my first award from my amazing friend at... http://www.onceamom-alwaysamom.blogspot.com/ .




Isn't it lovely? I'm quite proud. In order to receive the award, the following must be completed:

1. Thank the person(s) who nominated you and link their blogs. Thank you, TW!!!
2. Copy the award and paste it above. Check!
3. Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself. See below.
4. Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blogs. Will do!
   
   
   But first, here are 7 mildly interesting things about me.
   

1. i am the shortest person in my family
2. i have the best friends in the entire world and 90% of them i have never met IRL
3. i am seriously addicted to buying baby clothes for chloe and wish i could buy more
4. i paint my husbands toenails (and not just clear, think pink and purple) on a semi-regular basis
5. i can pick things up with my toes, and often do. i can even pinch people with them
6. i love lotion and currently have like 12 different bottles of it
7. i DVR every episode of criminal minds because it is one of my favorite TV shows

and now i nominate:
http://whippetmom.blogspot.com/
http://roberts8808.blogspot.com/
http://lifewiththesweetpeas.blogspot.com/
http://andnottoharmyou.blogspot.com/
http://mrsrotty.blogspot.com/
http://mrsrotty.blogspot.com/
http://thefamilyvowel.blogspot.com/

is it really that time again/ the march/the home front

Is it really the 15th already?! has it really been 9 whole months since McKenzie was born? I think that i probably say and think that every single month but i guess that is a the curse of being in this horrible club. I think about Kenzie every day and i often wonder what it would be like to have chloe and kenzie both, but then i snap back to reality and realize how lucky i am to have my one perfect and healthy little princess. I cant believe how fast the time is going by and that in 3 VERY short months i will have made it to my first big milestone, i will be over the first big hump once i make it to McKenzie's first birthday. I am doing the Stockton March for babies on McKenzie's birthday and i think that is kind of a sign for me. I will be doing it to help in my healing process and to honor sll of our babies (McKenzie, Katie, Mary, Gabriel, Jillian and Aidan).

Anyway more about this march of dimes March for Babies, It is on May 15th 2020 in Stockton California and would love to invite anyone and everyone to join us on the walk. If you would like to join us on the walk go to www.marchforbabies.org and sign up to walk, you can also join our team and actually walk with me. If you would like to join our team its name is LittleBodysBigHearts . I would love to have more support on my walk. Now the only thing i need to do is meet my donation goal.

On the home front..... Chloe is amazing and so smart. She is starting to show some intrest in potty training so we are putting her on the potty throughout the day. She has now pooped on the potty one time (the very first day) and peed on the potty twice already! She isnt really ready to completely potty train, which is fine, but you have to start somewhere, right?!

1step forward 2 steps back, or 2 steps forward 1step back

I'm not really sure which one it is to be honest. My heart is aching, the 15th is only a couple of days away and that means it has been 9months. 9 whole months that i have been broken and bitter and angry at myself. Hurt and sad and lost for almost a year already. My heart aches when i see newborn babies and when i hear people i know are going to start TTC or are actively TTC, but not because i don't want them to have babies. My heart aches and longs for a newborn of my own or at least to be able to TTC (there are many factors that are keeping us from more babies). I don't know that we will ever have anymore kids or get to experience that newborn stage again for many reasons. The biggest reason being that it scares the crud out of me to try and get pregnant again. I'm scared that ill die trying to give Chloe a living sibling or even worse that i will have to bury another baby, and i don't know if i can live through that twice. I am sad, sad for Chloe that there is a really great chance that she wont get a living sibling. I wanted a big/semi-big family, but i know that dream is long gone and that i cant do that, but to have no more when i so badly want another one is just cruel. I know its selfish and i really should just be happy that i have Chloe and she is perfect and healthy. Sigh, maybe someday i will learn to just deal with it.

walk at home, 1mile walk

today is day 1 of the walk at home, 1 mile walk.

i just finished the "walk at home: 1mile walk". I found it on exercise TV on ondemand yesterday and decided to start doing it today. The lady on it doesnt use weights or anything so i added my 2lb weights for me for a better workout. For most people this is not a big deal, but for me it is. It is something that i can do at home, in my room while chloe is playing. Because we live with the in-laws, in limited space and we are out in the country it is really hard to be able to work out. Not anymore. I plan to do this *hopefully* everyday. So i guess there will be more posts about this.


Now i am editing this post to add on throughout the day.....

I finished my 2nd "walk at home: 1mile walk" for today. After i was done i laid down and did 50 sit ups. Then just now i did 50 more sit ups.

i just dont fit in

Most of the time i feel like i don't fit in. OK like 99% of the time i feel that way. I really just don't fit in anywhere. Most of the people i was friends with arnt married or don't have kids and i really don't talk to anyone anymore. I don't drive so i guess that makes it hard to have a real friendship too. Nobody really knows what I'm going through, or how i feel, or even just how to talk to me and that has taken its toll on me too. Poor Chloe doesn't have friends either because she is with me all the time. It sucks to not fit in anywhere and really to have almost nobody that isn't family.

march of dimes, march for babies

Today i signed up to walk in the Stockton March for babies, our team name is LittleBodysBigHearts. This year it is extra special being that it is on McKenzie's birthday (May 15th) and she was a premie (born 7wks early). Now i am asking for everyone to help sponsor me and meet my goal by donating to this amazing cause. I added a widget (or whatever it is called) right here on the right side of the blog so that you can click there to donate. Every single penny helps. thank you all.

family Cosmic bowling and then some

tonight was such an awesome night. I didn't do so great on my "diet" but i didn't do too bad either. Today i didn't get to go on my walk, since Chloe absolutely refused to take a nap and i didn't have a tall enough stroller to take her with me. We have an umbrella stroller but it is too low for even me to push, it really hurts my back. So instead when Phillip got home we packed up Chloe and headed for wal-wart (we had to buy a birthday present anyway). We walked all around wal-mart for an hour (and i pushed the cart with Chloe it it, that is good exercise! Then when we were leaving we decided to head to target to see if we could find a size 12m nightgown (not a 2 piece) for a friends daughter at Target. No such luck but we did spend another hour at Target, So a total of 2 hours walking (about 1 1/2 when you consider all the stopping to look at stuff).
After we were all done shopping we at dinner at applebees (which is where i didn't do so great, but not so bad) and Chloe had a meltdown and wouldn't eat very much. When she was done with her meltdown she had a great time. There was a couple in there with 2 seeing-eye dogs that they were training and Chloe LOVED them, and likewise they really really liked her. When we left applebees we decided that tonight we were going to go cosmic bowling, and take Chloe with us. She had an amazing time, and we even let her bowl. They have a little (read heavy) metal ramp that you use for young kids to put the ball on and push to make it down the lane. The first game we bowled Phillip totally stomped us (OK he won every game) and Chloe and i tied, either i really suck or she is really good. Maybe even a combination of the both, but i don't care, we had a great time.
For those of you that don't know Cosmic Bowling happens on the weekends, Friday and Saturday nights, from midnight-2am. It costs $10 and includes shoes. Its as many games as you can bowl in the 2hr time frame, they have black lights and music and is a really good time. Yes it was a late night for Chloe but we all enjoyed a nice family night together.
We only stayed for 1/2 the time since we were all really beat and Chloe was FINALLY starting to get tired, but it was most certainly worth the $10/person to have that great of a time. I honestly don't remember the last time i saw all 3 of us smiling and having that great of a time all at the same time. Too bad i forgot my camera at home....you can no proceed with the booing! I did get one picture on my cell phone, its really horrible because of the black lights but i will share it anyway.
Tomorrow evening we will be heading to Modesto for Carter's (a friend's son) 2nd birthday party, and Chloe is already excited. When i told her today that we were going to carter's party tomorrow she got a huge grin on her face. Then she walked around the house the rest of the day saying "carter's birthday party" "carters 2!".

well blogging world it is really really late and time for me to head to bed!

cosmic bowling with daddy....

since i guess technically its friday....

Friday, i am thankful for....

* as always i am thankful for Phillip
* Chloe, my little lady
* my mom, whom i wouldnt be where i am without her
* my sister, we dont always see eye-to-eye but she is an awesome person
* Susan, she always knows what to say and when to say it, and she sends me the most awesome caring text messages
* my H.A.N.D. girls (Nicole, Meredith, Candice, Megan, and Sabrina) those girls always and i mean always make me smile and feel good, they rock
* my therapist, for being totally non-judgemental when i totally cried in her office and knowing what i am going through
and last but certainly not least...
* miss McKenzie Lee Hunt, she changed my life in a why i never expected. My namesake, my little angel, my world. I think of you and smile because i know you are part of something bigger and better.


i also want to thank every single person that has been a part of my healing process thus far (friends, family, BOTB, MB, MTaM, and even MC at one point) you all have had such an impact on my life and healing process. Now we have nothing but positive and amazing things to look forward to.

my weight loss journey

ive decided to try and lose weight, im not calling it a diet because well those fail and i am hoping this doesnt. i am not going to put my current weight or even my goal weight but you can track how much i have lost here.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

my first therapy appointment

i had my first therapy appointment today. It went really really well, it was mostly answering a lot of questions for her to kind of get to know me and my history. She thinks that a lot of things from my past are helping to contribute to the depression that i am feeling now. She told me that she also had a late loss (hers was full term) and i found some comfort in knowing that she had a knowledge of what i was feeling. We talked some about how everything i am feeling is starting to take its toll on my marriage.
I dont talk alot about the things going on in my marriage because that is one of the few things that i have to keep private these days. In the last almost 9months there has been put a lot of strain on us and our marriage. This in turn is causing us to fight, a lot. We love eachother and still want to be together of course, but WE BOTH need to make changes for the better. She gave me a paper on relationship killers to help us both recognize and hopefully work to improve the things we need to. I thought i would share the things on the paper.

seven relationship killers
by: william glasser
* criticizing
* blaming
* complaining
* nagging
* threatening
* punishing
* rewarding to control

additional relationship killers
by: Loni (i am not putting her last name for privacy reasons)
* cursing
* name calling
* bringing the past into current arguments
* the silent treatment
* withholding
* lying
* breaching trust

i can honestly say at this point that we have more on the list that we do than that we dont do, and that really isnt good. BUT we are going to work on it and us, and i am going to work on me. I have my next appointment is Feb 16th at 4:30pm. She also wants to have a combo session (with phillip and i both) after a couple of my individual sessions.

therapy today

i have my first therapy appointment today at 6pm (i have to be there at 5:45) so wish me luck! i will post about how it goes when i get home.

i want to win this

http://blog.thanksmama.com/2010/01/thanks-mama-giveaway-we-will-be-giving.html