1step forward 2 steps back, or 2 steps forward 1step back

I'm not really sure which one it is to be honest. My heart is aching, the 15th is only a couple of days away and that means it has been 9months. 9 whole months that i have been broken and bitter and angry at myself. Hurt and sad and lost for almost a year already. My heart aches when i see newborn babies and when i hear people i know are going to start TTC or are actively TTC, but not because i don't want them to have babies. My heart aches and longs for a newborn of my own or at least to be able to TTC (there are many factors that are keeping us from more babies). I don't know that we will ever have anymore kids or get to experience that newborn stage again for many reasons. The biggest reason being that it scares the crud out of me to try and get pregnant again. I'm scared that ill die trying to give Chloe a living sibling or even worse that i will have to bury another baby, and i don't know if i can live through that twice. I am sad, sad for Chloe that there is a really great chance that she wont get a living sibling. I wanted a big/semi-big family, but i know that dream is long gone and that i cant do that, but to have no more when i so badly want another one is just cruel. I know its selfish and i really should just be happy that i have Chloe and she is perfect and healthy. Sigh, maybe someday i will learn to just deal with it.