i am worn out

everyone keeps asking me how i am doing, and time after time i say "fine" or "good but the reality of it is that i am tired. I am worn out and my body feels so "bogged down". Having Chloe home now is much harder than i thought it was going to be. Trying to keep up with her busy 2.5 year old self, getting enough sleep (which i'm not) and pumping along with balancing life at home and the NICU. Life seems to be going at warp speed and i feel like i am never going to catch up. Recovery sucks, and while on the outside i look like I'm doing great, on the inside i ache and hurt about 99% of the time. I am trying to manage and not take pain pills except when i can no longer function but man it sucks. I miss Avery all day long, but when i am at the hospital i feel so GUILTY for leaving Chloe at home. I know Chloe isn't understanding what is going on and she cries when we leave every night for the hospital because she thinks we are leaving her again. I feel like with all the money we are spending on gas to be able to go see Avery every night we are never going to be able to get all the things we need for her before she comes home. Of course right now (and for the rest of her hospital stay) there is nothing we would rather spend money on then being able to see our baby every night. Chloe doesn't understand why she can't play with all this new stuff (avery's binder of info, my pump, all the new baby clothes) and she just CRIES. Life is an adjustment for her and she isn't having an easy time with it. I think we need to get her something extra special for becoming a big sister. Sigh, i guess i just need to figure out how to balance my life because obviously right now i DO NOT have it figured out.